Trying to climb the ladder…

I saw a job vacancy within the company I work for, it was advertised internally and externally. The role is more business development and data analysis, but I was interested… plus it pays five grand more a year than my current role. So, I went for it. I told my manager well in advance that I was interested, and like a complete legend she was entirely supportive. She did say she wouldn’t want to lose me, but completely understood.

Tuesday I went to the interview. It was held at head office and I had to book the afternoon off to attend. I arrived in my ill fitted suit – I had put on extra weight over Christmas – and the interview happened.

To be fair…. I think it went okay. I talked a lot and answered their questions, they wrote a lot, which I hope was a good sign… when it came to the end I asked a few questions, including when should I hear if I have been successful or not? To which they said the end of the week.

Which is today…

Nothing. No answer either way. They said they may have to hold another day of interviews, so they’d let me know by the end of the week. But no, nothing, I’m left hanging all weekend.

My mate (and colleague) has discovered jobs going at a similar charity, looking for positions with our type experience… they are also recruiting for a lead position which I believe I qualify for. The pay is amazing!

The deadline is Monday so I’m going to apply. If nothing comes of it, fair enough. There is no loss. I have a job, an income, I’m comfortable with the work I do, I have a great manager who is more than supportive with my issues. I am lucky to be where I am.

So whatever happens, or if nothing happens, I’m fine. And I need to remind myself of that.

Nosedive

The other month I broke my nose. I had just finished work snd was running for a bus (the bus was stuck in traffic and I was trying to beat it to the stop), I tripped and went flying! Landed flat on my face nose first into the concrete path. I heard my nose make a very loud crunch and I just thought.. fuck. I stayed down sprawled out on the floor. People started to gather around me to help me up, when they peeled me off the pavement there was a puddle of blood on the floor. Someone brought out a chair from the nearby pharmacy, and someone else gave me their unopened bottle of water. Everyone was so kind! It really restored my faith in people. I eventually went to the pharmacy to clean up. And then got a taxi home. I couldn’t get hold of Dom. He was so shocked when I walked in!

I text my boss what had happened the next day and at lunch time she called me saying she’d only just read the message. she was really concerned, and told me to get it checked out. So I pretty much was let off work for the afternoon which was pretty nice of her. I phoned my GP, who suggested I contact a walk in clinic, who suggested I phone 111, who’s lines where busy and suggested I go on the NHS 111 website, where I answered some questions and was advised to go to A&E… a bit long winded, so that’s what I did. They x-rayed my face and I was booked in with the emergency Ear Nose and Throat clinic 10 days after the accident.

So! Ten days later I attend my appointment. Apparatus they leave it ten days for the swelling to go down, but giving just enough time before the bones set (which apparently takes 14 days). Anyway, my nose was a little wonky so they ‘re-set it… they injected a local anaesthetic into the bridge of my nose and manipulated my nose until it looked straight. There was a little click in my head as they did it – which is supposedly a good sign. So yeah, had my nose broken twice in two weeks.

It’s better now and the graze has healed. They did an amazing job of straightening it at ENT in hospital. I took a before and after photo, and it’s made all the difference. thank you NHS!!

I can’t focus!

Maan, I can’t focus at all lately. It seems I did a good job last week to finish my targets at work and whatnot but now I’m completely spent! and my diet has slipped big time! Which is utterly stupid because I’ve just spent £115.00 on a diet/weight loss app… I’ve not told Dom… I’m drinking all the time too, which is a bad sign that there is something I’m not coping with in life. I think it’s falling behind at work if I’m honest with myself. With each day I get further and further behind being ‘on top of things’… it gets me down and feeling guilty as hell, so I deal with that by getting drunk, which makes it hard to wake up, which makes me late, which makes me have to pay for a taxi, which is a waste of money, and I had to get an overdraft this month because I can’t afford to live like this!

I have my mid-probation (3 months in the job) review on Friday. In some areas I’m doing great, and in others I’m atrocious. I have so much e-learning to do. Really you should do that in your first few weeks… I’m three months in… shit. It’s not just that. There’s other stuff. I get so tired, I sleep in and stuff, it’s so unprofessional. My favourite phrase in work when my incompetence starts appearing is “the cracks are starting to show”. To be fair, I’m severely mentally ill, every day is a fucking struggle! How I manage to just about function – I really don’t know.

I need a week out to get my head straight and then a week of just admin to catch up with everything… unfortunately it doesn’t work like that. Wahhh. Woe is me.

Target 🎯 smashed!

This month we were all set a target of 10 new registrations. I got 11… yes, that’s 110% Woop! In line for the prize for most registrations in September I think! Apparently the prize is to do with a team night out! Now, that sounds like my kinda prize! I’ve also written an article for world mental health day. I’ll probably post it on here on the day, because why not!

I got a hair cut today too, hence the new look. I fear I look a bit like a stereotypical lesbian, and a fat one at that! I don’t really mind, I’m just glad to finally get it cut! Was driving me mad!

I’m a bit proud and a bit ashamed… Proud because I got all those registrations, but ashamed because I am behind on logs, and it’s getting worse! I need to get back on top before I’m in over my head! I have my 3 month mid-probationary period review on Friday. I really don’t want to let my boss down. There are just not enough hours in the week when you have ADHD. I need to speak to her about this.

Off sick

I’m off sick guys, I have a chest infection. Went to the doctors today and they’ve prescribed me antibiotics. At least it’s not covid. I actually hate being off work, so I’ve been on my work laptop all day anyway doing admin bits and bobs… not even gonna get paid for it, but at least I haven’t fallen behind or been bored. My manager told me to ‘get off my emails and rest up’ lol, nice that she cares.

Work is going really well. I have my mid-probation supervision on Friday. Apart from not having completed my e-learning yet, I’m smashing it out of the park where supporting clients is concerned. My manager is super impressed. Feels good to have a purpose again. I take pride in the quality of support I provide and that feels pretty good too. You can totally tell the people who don’t give a shit about their job a mile off. I can’t imagine being employed to do a thing and then not doing it to the best of my ability. That’s mad to me. Maybe it’s because I’m a people-pleasing praise seeker desperate for approval and acceptance by anyone and everyone I come into contact with, or maybe I just like to be teachers pet. Whatever it is, it spurs me on to do a good job. I tell you, in this company it does not go unnoticed. Not like the company I worked for before where I was never praised, no matter how hard I worked – just punished for my lack of motivation and ever declining mental health… is it that much of a surprise that I was stressed and depressed??

It does not take a bloody genius to motivate a team. Positive reinforcement is the answer, and if improvements really need to be made then make the criticism constructive! My old manager was a bully on a power trip who delegated tasks so much that she had no work left to do herself! Then, in her boredom would choose people to pick on. She had different favourites and scapegoats each week. Unfair treatment is an understatement.

Now my new manager, she gets it! I feel like I could go to her with anything without feeling judged. She is my rock! Bloody love my new job!

Getting back on the blog train

Hi everyone! I’ve had a little break, things have been a bit hectic; what with starting my new job and everything, but I’m back and will try to be posting daily again!

I am very happy to report I am loving my new job! It’s SO GOOD to have a reason to get up in the morning. Without blowing my own horn – I seem to have made quite an impression. The managers love me and the way I work. I’ve been super organised and thorough, they’re planning on making me team champion… I’ve only been in the job just under a month! I’m actually really proud of myself, which is rare, but it feels kinda good to take pride in the service I provide. I went above and beyond yesterday to support a client and it was really appreciated by them. It gives them the boost these people need when someone listens and helps, which makes me feel good too. It’s a win win.

I am finding it hard to switch off when it’s clocking off time though. I have an addictive personality, so I don’t want to end up a workaholic. I really need to force myself to find that work/life balance.

… Starting tonight! Today is payday! My first pay check, so I’m going out with my boyfriend Dom for a meal at our favourite Italian. My treat. Date night! Gotta be there in half an hour so I’m gonna wrap this up. It’s good to be back!

I am so ready

Still waiting to start my new job. My start date got pushed back because they are waiting for my DBS check to come back. Both my references are back now, but it could be at least another week until I can start!!

I’ve been preparing, buying smart/casual office clothes, stationary, gathering ideas of where to get new clients, I even had a hair cut! Really just wanna get started now. Get into my new routine. Get some money coming in – I’m so skint!

I love my new hair, went to an expensive hairdressers in town after a recommendation from my brother’s girlfriend. I was a bit nervous after the last time when I had my old hairdresser, who’s gone mobile, come to my house and mess it up. But no – this new woman is amazing! I have found my new hairdresser! I’ve got an all round undercut, short back and sides, I’m growing the top long enough to tie up in a top knot, I’m quite a way off at the mo.

Good news!

I haven’t posted in a little while, but all is well.. in fact, all is very well! – I had an interview for a job on the same contract as I worked before, just with a different charity (working with people who are homeless or at risk of homelessness), anyway… I GOT THE JOB! I am sooo happy and excited and relieved. I completely aced the interview.

I have a start date (so long as my checks come back in time) for Thursday 24th June. I have loads of ideas and I’m really enthusiastic about starting. The first two weeks will be training, and then I can start building up a client base and meet some people on my caseload. Eeek! Finally, got a job… after six months of being unemployed! Massive weight has been lifted.

Plus! There are perks – if I pass my probationary period of six months, I will be employed by the charity permanently! Real stability! I really can’t mess this up! This is it! New chapter!

Cinema at the IMAX

Yesterday afternoon, in my luxury state of being unemployed, my mom (who works part time – reducing her hours to retirement) and my brother (who… well, also doesn’t have a job -but hasn’t done for a LOT longer than me) went to the cinema together. Cinema is pretty much my brother’s life, he has a masters degree in it. He was telling us just how much the film industry has felt the hit from Covid. People apparently now prefer watching films in the comfort of their own homes, but we all agreed -you just can’t beat the big screen! I love going to the cinema. It was a treat when we were kids. I think it helped me follow plot lines as it’s almost impossible to get distracted from a massive lit up screen right in front of you as you sit in the dark with loud surround sound. We saw Godzilla Vs King Kong! It was great! Action packed!

I got myself a diet drink and some salty popcorn, sat back and watched the Titans fight for the 1 hour 20 duration of the film. I let myself be completely immersed in the action, it was well worth seeing in the IMAX screen!

I won’t be able to do things like this when I have a job… well, I WILL, but not at 4pm on a weekday when things are quiet. I’ll have to cram all my leisure activities, socialising and exercising into the weekend… I’ve forgotten, how do people do that again?! I’ve been unemployed for six long months. Don’t get me wrong, I really want this job that I’m interviewing for next Thursday. But it will be weird.

Got an interview!

A few weeks ago I enquired about current job vacancies at some of the rival service providers of my last job. They deliver the exact same service on the same contract, only to different types of clientele (I was a work coach to people that face barriers to gaining employment in my previous job). My ex ‘big boss’ told me some of the other service providers were hiring, we’re still in occasional contact – he’s a good egg. I think he feels bad for letting me go, and knowing that I still haven’t found work -six months on! I found one company with a vacancy, but… for no reason whatsoever, I put off applying straight away…

Last week I received a text from my old project manager letting me know that she’d seen this rival charity were hiring for someone to do my old job. I thought it was really nice of her, so I played dumb, pretended to know nothing about it, and thanked her. Her messaging kind of gave me a shove in the direction of actually applying for the job, so I filled out the application there and then (which to my surprise was the easiest app in the world!), attached my CV, and sent it off! Done and done. Then -a mere few hours later- I received an email from the company inviting me to interview on June 3rd!

So… now I have to prepare for that. I not only have relevant experience, I have exact experience. Okay… it’s a different clientele, homeless people instead of people with hearing loss, but I’ll do my research into the different barriers homeless people face in getting employment, read up on the charity, all that jazz!

I don’t wanna be too confident, but I am hopeful! Fingers crossed for me!

Beat the alarm!

I’m still feeling pretty positive, I put myself to bed at 11:30 last night, set my alarms for 7am and awoke naturally at 6:30! I’m trying not to eat after 8pm at the latest, trying to be in bed before 12, and wake up at 7. Really need routine in my life. I’m also not going to drink caffeine after 3pm.

It might sound like a lot of ‘rules’ to live by, but I really think they are healthy.

Plans for today: call an employment service that my CMHT have put me in contact with (as they know how desperate I am to get back to work). The service is specifically designed to support people who have mental health issues to find and maintain suitable employment. So that’s positive! Then I have got to travel across town to the clinic to get my monthly depot injection. I’ll visit my Mom while I’m in her area and we’ll have lunch. Then the ADHD clinic will call about my new medication decision.

I was hoping to fit in a visit to the gym somewhere, but we’ll see…

Nope…

I got a message from the guy I went to school with who was looking for someone to work in the brewery… my interview was supposed to be tomorrow, but the message was cancelling it. They don’t want me… they wanted a professional brewer or an experienced driver – neither of which am I. So the message was very polite saying he doesn’t want to waste my time or lead me on just to turn me down. I have them to thank for that at least, I guess. I had kind of set my heart on a new thing though, so now I have no clue what kind of job to look for. Absolutely no one will take me on. Fuck. My. Life.

On the plus side… (I think..?)

I have an interview! On Thursday. It’s at a microbrewery pub. I know the guy who runs it from school, he was in my form, we sat opposite each other. It was advertised on Facebook and I kinda jumped at it. Dived right in before looking at where it was… turns out it is MILES away… but I’ve already done and application and got an interview now. Looked up where afterwards… like a complete dumb ass. I can’t drive, and there are no direct buses. So it’s gonna take me 15 mins in a taxi each way. Which will take a chunk out of the average-ish wage I would get, IF successful that is.

I really don’t know if this is a good move or not… I’ll be taking a pay cut from my last job (but at the moment no one else will have me!), it’s miles away (so I’ll spend a fortune on travel), and I don’t know if I’m emotionally stable enough not to let the guy down! He needs a hard working staff member for an immediate start (we’re talking next week!). No.1 – it would get me out of this god forsaken house, and the rut and relationship problems that are going with it at the mo. No.2 – some money is better than no money at all! No.3 – I might lose some weight having to actually do things. No. – I’d get to meet people and practise social skills after lockdown!

But.. then again. There is a well paid job that I have recent, relevant, skills sets for based in an employment office 12 mins from my house. I could cycle and earn a fortune if I was successful. More than ever before!

Basically, I don’t know… do I continue going for office jobs being stuck behind a desk getting fatter and fatter and hating life. Or do I be less well off being active working in a pub which might suit me better…?

Yet another rejection

Not much goes on in my life at the moment, as you can probably tell. It’s still lockdown, I am painfully unemployed and I have very few friends and zero motivation to do interests or hobbies. Getting out of bed would be a start.

I applied to work for the Department for Work and pensions… got through to an interview. I was hopeful following that, even though it was a pre-recorded interview. I have the relevant experience etc. And I thought the interview went okay. But no… that’s not what they thought. I got an email earlier this evening saying I’d been unsuccessful…

I am depressed. No one gives me a chance. I have everything going against me, including my own fucking brain with various multiple complex mental health bullshit. Still, I try and drag myself through life. Behind a everyone else my age who are buying houses and starting families.

I gave Dom a ticket out today. I don’t want to hold him back. He deserves more than a complete loser at life like me. He’s doing a PhD for gods sake. Here’s me, unemployed and off my fucking rocker, needing a monthly injection of antipsychotics and daily antidepressants to just about roll out of bed at about 12pm to stare at walls and do fuck all until bedtime.

I am nothing.

Happy day

Woke up late this morning, I’m usually pestered awake by Dom, as he has a thing about being in bed past 12pm 🙄… I’m a lazy person. I like to sleep. This bothers me. But, recently (since we got the PS4) he plays FIFA on a Saturday morning – giving me a lie in.

I rolled out of bed afternoon time, and was feeling great! Just so happy! I couldn’t place why, but still, it’s all good! It could have had to do with the online test I completed in the tryout for a job with the DWP (Government’s Department for Work and Pensions).

Also, yesterday an ex colleague and friend got in contact about a job they have been made aware of by an ex employer of theirs… senior work coach that would earn a fortune! I have the skill set. She also said she’d put in a good word for me!! I’m so flattered! Totally applying to this ASAP! Never know! So I’m going for that too!

Just feeling a bit more hopeful about the future!

It’s a… No.

Woke up this morning in a cold sweat (which is becoming the norm) following nightmare-ish stressful dreams. Decided not to move for a few hours. Didn’t even check my phone (almost like I knew it would be bad news). When I eventually peeled myself out of bed, popped my pills and checked my emails there it was… the ‘sorry but you have been unsuccessful’ email from my old job. I was so emotionally fucked by it that I didn’t react. Didn’t cry, didn’t even sigh. I think I’m broken now. How far I have fallen… I can’t even get offered my own job back from a charitable company that work closely with disabilities. My mental health issues clashing with work was too much for the company to handle. They knew they couldn’t sack me, so they waited until my contract ran out and then did everything they could not to re-hire me. Too much trouble for them to deal with the personality disorder.

There was another notification on my phone. A missed call from my GP surgery. I called back and they booked me in to have my COVID-19 vaccine tomorrow! I was shocked. I’m only 32. I read online the other day that doctors practices are now giving the vaccine to the severely mentally ill. I guess that’s me. Mental illness stops me from working yet gets me a VIP ticket out of the pandemic risk?… it’s swings and roundabouts.

I’m pretty messed up at the moment. To be honest, I don’t know what is keeping me going. I wake up to wait to go back to sleep. The days are empty. Boring. I have no motivation to occupy myself. I try to force it, for my boyfriend’s sake. He’s working his arse off 24/7 doing his final year of his Bioinformatics PhD. While I rattle around the house with a blank look on my face. All I have to look forward to is getting fucked on the weekends. Even that has it’s downfalls, the inevitable dreaded hangover until the next drinking session. My hangover was so bad last weekend I actually puked. I’m 32.. I should not be binge drinking to the extent I puke due to been hungover. Buuuut, I’m unemployed and depressed. I know I’m not helping myself.

At what point do I give up? I’m not allowed to be on work related benefits, rent, food, bills, still have to be paid for though… my Mom is helping me out where she can, bless her, she’s been sticking a few hundred quid in my account once a month – which is lovely of her but makes me feel like shit. Again, I’m 32… I should not be sponging off my mom. Ugh. I need a job, I need my own money.

In the back of my mind I’ve started to weigh up the likelihood of me getting a job in the current climate, and whether it would be worth applying for disability benefits. I know I have enough going on to qualify. I think that’s a discussion I need to have with Dom. I would hate for him to think I’m a waster, I want to work, and I will! But how soon… I just don’t know.

Heard it on the grapevine

Got up late today, my bf was a bit pissed off so I went for a long walk by myself (there is a park less than one minute away). I took the binoculars, for a spot of bird (and dog) watching. It was good, for the most part. I found a nest of magpies that me and Dom have been watching from the kitchen window -but up close!

Then I saw a tree that looked climbable. I was a bit dubious whether to climb a tree by myself. But the temptation took me and I did. I got quite high and just sat there for ages, watching the people, birds, dogs, and listening to music on my headphones. People on the path didn’t even notice me in the tree! It was great! A secret hangout. Hurt my left ankle a bit jumping down, but it’s fine.

Then I walked around and sat under a tree texting people my in my phone. Had a phone call with a friend and ex-colleague of mine. The call fell on to serious matters about my interview to get my old job back and things she’d heard… I got the strong impression that they have someone in mind for the role (hence them advertising and re-advertising three times!). Now they’ve finally interviewed I think their chosen person must have applied, so I have no chance. I am set to find out tomorrow, but knowing the company it’ll be more like Thursday or Friday…. sigh. I need this. But NOW, I’m not holding my breath…

Unsuccessful…

I just got an email from the better paid job(s) I applied for… scrap that, TWO emails (as I applied for the worker role and the senior role (thinking I was capable)… unfortunately they don’t even think I’m capable of the worker role… so there goes my hopes of a better paid job than before… It’s just knock back after knock back.

Now my only hope is getting my old job back… the one I interviewed for on Wednesday………. fuck. If they turn me down I’m done for. Please, please don’t turn me away. I’m desperate now. I need this. If they turn me down then I WILL be hurt. Big time.

Please, just give me a job!

So, back in early January my old job was back on the market as they FINALLY secured the project… I of course applied thinking they would have me back in a flash (as I’d already done the job for a year up until November when the old contract ended). I received a text from my ex-manager saying my app was good and I’d get an interview, but heard nothing from HR. Eventually they got back to me saying they were extending the advert for the vacancy… I was baffled. I can do the job and can start immediately, yet they are waiting to interview because of low number of applicants. ‘For god’s sake’ I thought, ‘why not just take me back?!’ I convinced myself that they don’t want me back. Actually, I convinced myself they’d do anything not to have me back.

I had however been promised an interview. February came around and they extended the advert for the job AGAIN! This cemented my fears of they will not be having me back because they are sick of me and my occasionally disabling mental health issues. To make it worse they stated in the job advert “No experience needed – we are dedicated to training you up from scratch”. Kick in the teeth or what. Felt like they’d completely forgotten all of my successes while working for them.

Got a phone call yesterday to finally arrange my interview. Part of me wanted to tell them I’d got a high flying well paid other job and to stick it. But, the realistic side of me thought great! A job! I need to earn money again! And I’m so bored! So I jumped at the interview.

Had the interview this afternoon… it went okay, but I definitely could have been more prepared. I wasn’t really feeling it. I prefer face to face but it was over Zoom. I tripped over my words a lot and kept going off topic, but I’ll have to wait and see. Cross my fingers I guess. Will find out in a few days.

I have applied to other jobs. Waiting to hear if I’m through to interview. One of the jobs is a hell of a lot more well paid, so I’ve not given up hope on other options yet. Even if I accept my old job and then get the better offer… I’d have to apologise to the company I’ve been with for the last two years and take the better offer. But that would be the absolute dream scenario. Who knows…

Christmas Build up catch up

Today the weather is bleugh… so I just chilled out in my PJ bottoms and dressing gown drinking gallons of tea. I probably would have done the same if the weather was decent to be honest.

I haven’t written in a week or so, so I would like to catch up: I’ve been very prepared this year and I am totally ready for Christmas. The original plan was for me and Dom to go our separate ways for the festive ‘5 day relaxed (covid) rules period’ but that was scrapped and announced on TV by the PM without much notice. Different areas faced harsher restrictions -including that of where Dom’s parents live. Plus, England are only allowed to mix house holds on Christmas Day. There’s no way Dom could see his family for one day (Christmas Day) as trains will not be running… so, he’s having Christmas with us this year, in the Yardley household. I feel sad for him that he won’t get that time with his Mom and Dad.

In a way I was really looking forward to having a five day break away -sleeping on the sofa at my Mom’s place. A nice change of pace and scene… Not that I want time away from Dom! -it’s just, over lockdown we have kinda been glued together! would be good to get a quick breather, see different faces, have fresh conversations.

Anyway, like I said, I am well prepared. I’ve bought presents for everyone and really thought them through. I’m quite good at gift giving, I think. I guess the proof is in whether the gift recipients agree with me! Dom on the other hand has not been prepared at all. I kept encouraging him to start Christmas shopping earlier in December, but he was too wrapped up (haha, unintentional pun) in his work with his PhD. He said it didn’t even feel like Christmas to him until just the other day. I’ve bought him loads of lovely gifts, and he’s already apologised to me in advance for not getting me much. It’s not the amount of presents I receive from him that is kinda getting to me, I think it’s the lack of thought and effort he’s put in. There are two parcels that came addressed to him from Amazon (prime) which he’s said are gifts for me. I hope he at least wraps them. I can’t complain really though. He’s been stressed and busy with work, where as I’ve had nothing better to do than to spend money that I probably shouldn’t have because I’m unemployed…

I just want to enjoy Christmas and put everything on January to be a new start. I have some New Year theories, but I’ll save writing them until NYE. First priority of Jan 2021 though- get a job!!!