Love hurts

Dom and I argued on the weekend. We’d been out Saturday night, had a few drinks and actually a really nice time together, however when we got home he noticed I hadn’t done the washing up before we left. He was furious. It was like the straw that broke the camel’s back. He broke up with me over it. He said the words to end our relationship. 4 whole years, finished. Just like that. Over something as menial as the washing up.

We kind-of got over it and slept in the same bed afterwards, it was (but it wasn’t) all forgotten about the next morning. The argument lingered over us, although we both chose not to acknowledge it. It lasted for days, longer than the hangover from the alcohol consumed that night. Neither of us could focus at work, last night I couldn’t even sleep. I was ruminating on it all. Questioning if he actually loves me at all, or whether he just says the words ‘Love you’ automatically these days. I then questioned if he has ever loved me, or if he was/is just settling for less than he’s capable of getting from a partner. We had a pretty turbulent relationship from the get go, partly due to my BPD reactions to being in a romantic relationship, and partly due to both our mental health conditions to be honest, that and the stress/pressure of his academic studies… but we made it work, with a lot of hard work and patients – we manage.

Last night while I was lay in bed staring into the dark, questioning all things surrounding me and Dom, I found I started to not only question if he loves me – but if I love him… Questions like: am I just automatically saying the words these days? Did I ever love him? Or was I rebounding from the previous relationship I was in? Did I latch on to Dom through the fear of being alone and single in my early thirties? I then started to question how he makes me feel. Do I feel like an equal? Do I feel respected? The answer… really, is no. I feel like he is better than me… and I feel like he knows it. I even feel sometimes (like that night) he shows it.

Then I started to ask myself if I’m the one that deserves better? Someone who would show me more respect and better understanding… after the way he sometimes speaks to me.

Today is Wednesday and this morning I addressed the elephant in the room – the argument we had on Saturday night… The argument in which he broke up with me, over the washing up… He remembered it all, and admitted that he took it too far. He apologised, as did I. Him for making me sad and me for making him mad.

The way he talks to me when he snaps is not okay. It’s cruel, hurtful, disrespectful, spiteful, and demeaning. He’s never done it sober. But alcohol is a catalyst to feelings. I think he is under a lot of pressure with his studies right now and it’s forcing him to lash out, act out of character. Should I be worried? Think less about myself and my reactions to this behaviour and more about him? And the reason this all happened? He is clearly under a lot of stress. I just don’t know how to help or what to do about it.

I can’t focus!

Maan, I can’t focus at all lately. It seems I did a good job last week to finish my targets at work and whatnot but now I’m completely spent! and my diet has slipped big time! Which is utterly stupid because I’ve just spent £115.00 on a diet/weight loss app… I’ve not told Dom… I’m drinking all the time too, which is a bad sign that there is something I’m not coping with in life. I think it’s falling behind at work if I’m honest with myself. With each day I get further and further behind being ‘on top of things’… it gets me down and feeling guilty as hell, so I deal with that by getting drunk, which makes it hard to wake up, which makes me late, which makes me have to pay for a taxi, which is a waste of money, and I had to get an overdraft this month because I can’t afford to live like this!

I have my mid-probation (3 months in the job) review on Friday. In some areas I’m doing great, and in others I’m atrocious. I have so much e-learning to do. Really you should do that in your first few weeks… I’m three months in… shit. It’s not just that. There’s other stuff. I get so tired, I sleep in and stuff, it’s so unprofessional. My favourite phrase in work when my incompetence starts appearing is “the cracks are starting to show”. To be fair, I’m severely mentally ill, every day is a fucking struggle! How I manage to just about function – I really don’t know.

I need a week out to get my head straight and then a week of just admin to catch up with everything… unfortunately it doesn’t work like that. Wahhh. Woe is me.

Off sick

I’m off sick guys, I have a chest infection. Went to the doctors today and they’ve prescribed me antibiotics. At least it’s not covid. I actually hate being off work, so I’ve been on my work laptop all day anyway doing admin bits and bobs… not even gonna get paid for it, but at least I haven’t fallen behind or been bored. My manager told me to ‘get off my emails and rest up’ lol, nice that she cares.

Work is going really well. I have my mid-probation supervision on Friday. Apart from not having completed my e-learning yet, I’m smashing it out of the park where supporting clients is concerned. My manager is super impressed. Feels good to have a purpose again. I take pride in the quality of support I provide and that feels pretty good too. You can totally tell the people who don’t give a shit about their job a mile off. I can’t imagine being employed to do a thing and then not doing it to the best of my ability. That’s mad to me. Maybe it’s because I’m a people-pleasing praise seeker desperate for approval and acceptance by anyone and everyone I come into contact with, or maybe I just like to be teachers pet. Whatever it is, it spurs me on to do a good job. I tell you, in this company it does not go unnoticed. Not like the company I worked for before where I was never praised, no matter how hard I worked – just punished for my lack of motivation and ever declining mental health… is it that much of a surprise that I was stressed and depressed??

It does not take a bloody genius to motivate a team. Positive reinforcement is the answer, and if improvements really need to be made then make the criticism constructive! My old manager was a bully on a power trip who delegated tasks so much that she had no work left to do herself! Then, in her boredom would choose people to pick on. She had different favourites and scapegoats each week. Unfair treatment is an understatement.

Now my new manager, she gets it! I feel like I could go to her with anything without feeling judged. She is my rock! Bloody love my new job!

Happy Wednesday

Feeling way too positive today… I’m not used to it…

After a completely sleepless night (one before last), last night I went to bed at 10pm and set my alarm for 7am. I fell asleep with a strong determination to get up when my alarm told me to. And guess what… -I did! I just -got up! If you knew me, you would know how unlikely it was for that to actually happen. I started the day perfectly; came down stairs, had coffee, flicked on the morning news programme, ate a healthy breakfast, had a shower, got dressed -in ‘daytime clothes’ not the usual half and half combo that has become the norm over lockdown of comfortable pyjama bottoms with t-shirt and hoodie, using the excuse that there is no real need to leave the house. As a matter of fact, at breakfast I used up the last bit of cereal in the bag (granola if you want to know), so I decided to go out to the shop to get some more. A nice cold morning walk up the road in the fresh air to the local convenience store. Dom came with me. I woke him up an hour after I got up and we were out the house just after nine.

I tried to explain my current feelings to Dom as we walked… I feel as though I’ve had a near death experience and woken up the next morning thankful to still be alive. The kind of feeling where the grass looks greener, you notice the birds singing, food tastes better. Basically, I think I might be happy. right now, this morning, despite everything going on – I am happy.

Maybe the new antidepressants are working after all. It’s kind of a good job I didn’t ring the psych team yesterday like I wrote that I would, to complain that the drugs aren’t doing anything.

Maybe this happiness is a bit too much? But don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. I’m just a bit weirded out by how drastic of a change my mood has gone through overnight. They always say things will be better in the morning, but they never usually are.