Good news!

I haven’t posted in a little while, but all is well.. in fact, all is very well! – I had an interview for a job on the same contract as I worked before, just with a different charity (working with people who are homeless or at risk of homelessness), anyway… I GOT THE JOB! I am sooo happy and excited and relieved. I completely aced the interview.

I have a start date (so long as my checks come back in time) for Thursday 24th June. I have loads of ideas and I’m really enthusiastic about starting. The first two weeks will be training, and then I can start building up a client base and meet some people on my caseload. Eeek! Finally, got a job… after six months of being unemployed! Massive weight has been lifted.

Plus! There are perks – if I pass my probationary period of six months, I will be employed by the charity permanently! Real stability! I really can’t mess this up! This is it! New chapter!

Cinema at the IMAX

Yesterday afternoon, in my luxury state of being unemployed, my mom (who works part time – reducing her hours to retirement) and my brother (who… well, also doesn’t have a job -but hasn’t done for a LOT longer than me) went to the cinema together. Cinema is pretty much my brother’s life, he has a masters degree in it. He was telling us just how much the film industry has felt the hit from Covid. People apparently now prefer watching films in the comfort of their own homes, but we all agreed -you just can’t beat the big screen! I love going to the cinema. It was a treat when we were kids. I think it helped me follow plot lines as it’s almost impossible to get distracted from a massive lit up screen right in front of you as you sit in the dark with loud surround sound. We saw Godzilla Vs King Kong! It was great! Action packed!

I got myself a diet drink and some salty popcorn, sat back and watched the Titans fight for the 1 hour 20 duration of the film. I let myself be completely immersed in the action, it was well worth seeing in the IMAX screen!

I won’t be able to do things like this when I have a job… well, I WILL, but not at 4pm on a weekday when things are quiet. I’ll have to cram all my leisure activities, socialising and exercising into the weekend… I’ve forgotten, how do people do that again?! I’ve been unemployed for six long months. Don’t get me wrong, I really want this job that I’m interviewing for next Thursday. But it will be weird.

Got an interview!

A few weeks ago I enquired about current job vacancies at some of the rival service providers of my last job. They deliver the exact same service on the same contract, only to different types of clientele (I was a work coach to people that face barriers to gaining employment in my previous job). My ex ‘big boss’ told me some of the other service providers were hiring, we’re still in occasional contact – he’s a good egg. I think he feels bad for letting me go, and knowing that I still haven’t found work -six months on! I found one company with a vacancy, but… for no reason whatsoever, I put off applying straight away…

Last week I received a text from my old project manager letting me know that she’d seen this rival charity were hiring for someone to do my old job. I thought it was really nice of her, so I played dumb, pretended to know nothing about it, and thanked her. Her messaging kind of gave me a shove in the direction of actually applying for the job, so I filled out the application there and then (which to my surprise was the easiest app in the world!), attached my CV, and sent it off! Done and done. Then -a mere few hours later- I received an email from the company inviting me to interview on June 3rd!

So… now I have to prepare for that. I not only have relevant experience, I have exact experience. Okay… it’s a different clientele, homeless people instead of people with hearing loss, but I’ll do my research into the different barriers homeless people face in getting employment, read up on the charity, all that jazz!

I don’t wanna be too confident, but I am hopeful! Fingers crossed for me!

Beat the alarm!

I’m still feeling pretty positive, I put myself to bed at 11:30 last night, set my alarms for 7am and awoke naturally at 6:30! I’m trying not to eat after 8pm at the latest, trying to be in bed before 12, and wake up at 7. Really need routine in my life. I’m also not going to drink caffeine after 3pm.

It might sound like a lot of ‘rules’ to live by, but I really think they are healthy.

Plans for today: call an employment service that my CMHT have put me in contact with (as they know how desperate I am to get back to work). The service is specifically designed to support people who have mental health issues to find and maintain suitable employment. So that’s positive! Then I have got to travel across town to the clinic to get my monthly depot injection. I’ll visit my Mom while I’m in her area and we’ll have lunch. Then the ADHD clinic will call about my new medication decision.

I was hoping to fit in a visit to the gym somewhere, but we’ll see…

What’s wrong with me?

I’m broken. I’ve noticed it more today than lately. I feel blank. Nothing. I’m empty. Dead inside. I don’t seem to get pleasure anymore. I’m missing happiness. I keep trying to fill myself with anything I can, especially alcohol. But it doesn’t distract from it for long. I have no purpose. There is nothing to do. I’m debilitatingly bored but I don’t have the motivation to do anything, and if I did I’d soon get annoyed and irritated. I’m lost. This is how it feels. Death of the self. Like my personality has been deteriorating for years and now it’s gone. RIP. I’m a hollow shell of a person. A walking empty vessel. No expressions. Just a lack of everything that makes one human. I’m dumb. My memory is gone. What’s my reason for still being here? I’m also cripplingly lonely. I have very few friends. I prefer being alive in my dreams and it’s usual for me to have nightmares. I’m going to call my CMHTs ‘duty’ (the crisis team) tomorrow. I think I need some help. I’m not here.

I googled feeling dead inside. There were tips on how to cope. One of them was to make a feelings list, so I turned it into this blog post.

Nope…

I got a message from the guy I went to school with who was looking for someone to work in the brewery… my interview was supposed to be tomorrow, but the message was cancelling it. They don’t want me… they wanted a professional brewer or an experienced driver – neither of which am I. So the message was very polite saying he doesn’t want to waste my time or lead me on just to turn me down. I have them to thank for that at least, I guess. I had kind of set my heart on a new thing though, so now I have no clue what kind of job to look for. Absolutely no one will take me on. Fuck. My. Life.

On the plus side… (I think..?)

I have an interview! On Thursday. It’s at a microbrewery pub. I know the guy who runs it from school, he was in my form, we sat opposite each other. It was advertised on Facebook and I kinda jumped at it. Dived right in before looking at where it was… turns out it is MILES away… but I’ve already done and application and got an interview now. Looked up where afterwards… like a complete dumb ass. I can’t drive, and there are no direct buses. So it’s gonna take me 15 mins in a taxi each way. Which will take a chunk out of the average-ish wage I would get, IF successful that is.

I really don’t know if this is a good move or not… I’ll be taking a pay cut from my last job (but at the moment no one else will have me!), it’s miles away (so I’ll spend a fortune on travel), and I don’t know if I’m emotionally stable enough not to let the guy down! He needs a hard working staff member for an immediate start (we’re talking next week!). No.1 – it would get me out of this god forsaken house, and the rut and relationship problems that are going with it at the mo. No.2 – some money is better than no money at all! No.3 – I might lose some weight having to actually do things. No. – I’d get to meet people and practise social skills after lockdown!

But.. then again. There is a well paid job that I have recent, relevant, skills sets for based in an employment office 12 mins from my house. I could cycle and earn a fortune if I was successful. More than ever before!

Basically, I don’t know… do I continue going for office jobs being stuck behind a desk getting fatter and fatter and hating life. Or do I be less well off being active working in a pub which might suit me better…?

ADHD, where are we?

I emailed the Adult 25+ ADHD psych team that I’m under earlier today, because I think they’ve forgotten about me…

Depending on how long you’ve been following, you might know that ages ago I was on 50mg Elvanse daily to treat my ADHD, that was until I had an ECG to check my heart and it gave abnormal results which was caused by the meds. So I had to stop taking them with immediate effect (cold turkey), and I have not heard from the ADHD team since. I had a repeat ECG and my heart had returned to normal, but still heard nothing from them…

Now I’m unemployed and my tolerance to do things has decreased down to almost nothing and my motivation to start tasks is zero. Life is a struggle and my ability to function like a person is withering away. I feel like I am more like a pet than a girlfriend to my boyfriend whom I live with.

I want to know if there are alternatives treatments/support out there for me. Sometimes you need to speak up to get what you want in this life. Use your voice to be noticed or heard.

Yet another rejection

Not much goes on in my life at the moment, as you can probably tell. It’s still lockdown, I am painfully unemployed and I have very few friends and zero motivation to do interests or hobbies. Getting out of bed would be a start.

I applied to work for the Department for Work and pensions… got through to an interview. I was hopeful following that, even though it was a pre-recorded interview. I have the relevant experience etc. And I thought the interview went okay. But no… that’s not what they thought. I got an email earlier this evening saying I’d been unsuccessful…

I am depressed. No one gives me a chance. I have everything going against me, including my own fucking brain with various multiple complex mental health bullshit. Still, I try and drag myself through life. Behind a everyone else my age who are buying houses and starting families.

I gave Dom a ticket out today. I don’t want to hold him back. He deserves more than a complete loser at life like me. He’s doing a PhD for gods sake. Here’s me, unemployed and off my fucking rocker, needing a monthly injection of antipsychotics and daily antidepressants to just about roll out of bed at about 12pm to stare at walls and do fuck all until bedtime.

I am nothing.

Happy day

Woke up late this morning, I’m usually pestered awake by Dom, as he has a thing about being in bed past 12pm 🙄… I’m a lazy person. I like to sleep. This bothers me. But, recently (since we got the PS4) he plays FIFA on a Saturday morning – giving me a lie in.

I rolled out of bed afternoon time, and was feeling great! Just so happy! I couldn’t place why, but still, it’s all good! It could have had to do with the online test I completed in the tryout for a job with the DWP (Government’s Department for Work and Pensions).

Also, yesterday an ex colleague and friend got in contact about a job they have been made aware of by an ex employer of theirs… senior work coach that would earn a fortune! I have the skill set. She also said she’d put in a good word for me!! I’m so flattered! Totally applying to this ASAP! Never know! So I’m going for that too!

Just feeling a bit more hopeful about the future!

BPD envy

My little bro is looking to BUY a house!! … Buy! Well, his girlfriend is at least – she’s the one with a job, (in a bank). I had a bit of a typical bitter BPD reaction when my parents told me they were looking for a property to buy…

Life is not fair. Everyone I’ve spoken to on the subject tries to tell me not to compare myself to others… ha. How do you not do that when everyone else’s lives are falling into place and mine is falling apart? When I try so hard to keep my head above water, working, where my brother hasn’t had a job in years, OR been on benefits, and now plans on buying (sort of) a house?!

Dom actually gets really mad at me for having this envy/jealousy towards other people who’s lives are working out for them. All the usual reasons – it’s not healthy, blah blah blah. Sometimes I just need to vent it though, and then I’ll get over it. For example… when I found out my cousin was having a baby I had a complete mental break down (over Christmas, two years back) and my bro and mom had to call an ambulance to deal with me. Now the baby is like 8 months old and it’s all fine. I still get pangs of jealousy as I (and the baby) age and I am still nowhere near capable of rearing a child of my own… let alone looking after myself. Fuck!

Anyway. I’m drunk right now and I’m coming to terms with my bro moving forward. As long as they don’t get pregnant before we do. That would just about kill me.

I LOVE MY MOM! (international woman’s day)

Today radio 6 woke me up as usual, informing me of world events alongside some good tunes. Today is International Woman’s Day… it got me thinking (there’s a lot of space to think when you’re unemployed), I thought about writing a post on topic, but couldn’t find my angle. So instead, I’m going to freestyle.

The first person and most important woman who will ever be in my life is my Mom. It’s only been in the most recent years (my late 20’s and early 30’s) that I have really grown to appreciated her for EVERYTHING she’s done for me and my little (now big) bro, and all she’s endured and sacrificed for us.

The more I thought about it being international woman’s day, the more I ended up thinking about my mom – so this post is dedicated to her.

I speak to my Mom almost everyday about nothing, somethings, anything’s and everything! This evening I text her to tell her that she is my hero. I am a bit depressed at the moment, and I got tearful in front of Dom about a memory that haunts me… Mom and I were in class learning BSL level 3 a few years ago, the topic of conversation in the group was ‘role models’, we each took turns to say a role model of ours, it came to my turn and I said “I don’t know?”, other group members laughed as my own mother was sat beside me and that would have been an obvious choice. I glanced at my Mom and she looked a bit hurt, but hiding it well, laughing along. I think I can accidentally be a real arsehole sometimes. It was just that (at that time) I didn’t believe in having a ‘role model’ as such. I’ve grown up a lot since then. I’m less of a twat.

My Mom loved my message, she told me she went for a walk in the park today and got talking to a grandmother on the way home, in her message to me, Mom talked about the woman:

“She said about her daughter when she was growing up ‘I never thought that we would be best friends’, but she said ‘we really are’, it made me think about us and how we are best mates, I had never thought of it before?” – My Mom

She’d made me realise it too -my Mom is my best friend. If ever I have any news she’s the first person I call. When I’m bored (however sick of me she must get) I phone and she answers. I love that woman. I have two main people saved in my phone as emergency contacts, my Mom and Dom.

I texted her back confirming we’re best friends forever! (Complete with tears streaming down my face – like I said, I’m a tad depressed and the slightest thing can set me off at the moment).

Understatement… shit, I was balling! There is too much emotion for me to comprehend, to handle. I thought I’d never be able to stop crying. The love, the pain of the future loss, the guilt of not being there when she’s needed me in the past. Everything. I’m a big upset mess at the moment. I’m due my depot injection tomorrow, think I’m going to enquire about upping the antidepressants. ANYWAY!

This has been a good post, I feel I haven’t had to delve too much into my upbringing to show you how much my Mom has done for me and my brother. However, I will say, she did above and beyond as a single parent to give us both more opportunities than she could have ever dreamed of when she was a kid. If a mother supports and provides for their child/children then my Mom is the best in the world.

I love you Momoo!

PlayStation 4, fun and games

We’ve just got a secondhand PS4 from Dom’s mate, very exciting! Gave it a factory reset, hooked it up to the internet and bought a few games etc. including FIFA 21. Dom’s mates have a FIFA team and play regularly online together. I didn’t realise how seriously they took it, and I was looking forward to playing online with them all on Friday nights.

Tonight is the first Friday night with the console and Dom’s other friend gifted him a headset (like the image above) which arrived in the post today, to connect with them all enabling Dom to join their team on FIFA. Of course, this means not only am I not involved, but I can’t even sit and watch, as I won’t be able to hear the conversation.

It’s quite lame. As I don’t have many friends… I get super lonely a lot of the time, especially now that I don’t have a job and I’ve lost contact with my old colleagues. extra kick in the teeth that they won’t have me back…

So here I am. Friday night, sat looking at an empty inbox and blogging… I’ve had a few beers now so I’m caring less.

I’ll tell you what was cute, Dom heard me talking to my mom about the new PlayStation, and didn’t quite know how to tell me that I wouldn’t be involved in FIFA on Friday. He eventually told me and I was sad. I felt left out as I often do. It’s not like the uni days where I had real friends. I miss those days sometimes. Dom has proceeded to mute his friends on the headset every so often to talk to me so I don’t feel too left out and alone. He said he feels bad that I can’t be involved. I love him so much. He is the love of my life and my best friend.

Then… He talks to me, and everything is right again. Love you Dom!

It’s a… No.

Woke up this morning in a cold sweat (which is becoming the norm) following nightmare-ish stressful dreams. Decided not to move for a few hours. Didn’t even check my phone (almost like I knew it would be bad news). When I eventually peeled myself out of bed, popped my pills and checked my emails there it was… the ‘sorry but you have been unsuccessful’ email from my old job. I was so emotionally fucked by it that I didn’t react. Didn’t cry, didn’t even sigh. I think I’m broken now. How far I have fallen… I can’t even get offered my own job back from a charitable company that work closely with disabilities. My mental health issues clashing with work was too much for the company to handle. They knew they couldn’t sack me, so they waited until my contract ran out and then did everything they could not to re-hire me. Too much trouble for them to deal with the personality disorder.

There was another notification on my phone. A missed call from my GP surgery. I called back and they booked me in to have my COVID-19 vaccine tomorrow! I was shocked. I’m only 32. I read online the other day that doctors practices are now giving the vaccine to the severely mentally ill. I guess that’s me. Mental illness stops me from working yet gets me a VIP ticket out of the pandemic risk?… it’s swings and roundabouts.

I’m pretty messed up at the moment. To be honest, I don’t know what is keeping me going. I wake up to wait to go back to sleep. The days are empty. Boring. I have no motivation to occupy myself. I try to force it, for my boyfriend’s sake. He’s working his arse off 24/7 doing his final year of his Bioinformatics PhD. While I rattle around the house with a blank look on my face. All I have to look forward to is getting fucked on the weekends. Even that has it’s downfalls, the inevitable dreaded hangover until the next drinking session. My hangover was so bad last weekend I actually puked. I’m 32.. I should not be binge drinking to the extent I puke due to been hungover. Buuuut, I’m unemployed and depressed. I know I’m not helping myself.

At what point do I give up? I’m not allowed to be on work related benefits, rent, food, bills, still have to be paid for though… my Mom is helping me out where she can, bless her, she’s been sticking a few hundred quid in my account once a month – which is lovely of her but makes me feel like shit. Again, I’m 32… I should not be sponging off my mom. Ugh. I need a job, I need my own money.

In the back of my mind I’ve started to weigh up the likelihood of me getting a job in the current climate, and whether it would be worth applying for disability benefits. I know I have enough going on to qualify. I think that’s a discussion I need to have with Dom. I would hate for him to think I’m a waster, I want to work, and I will! But how soon… I just don’t know.

Heard it on the grapevine

Got up late today, my bf was a bit pissed off so I went for a long walk by myself (there is a park less than one minute away). I took the binoculars, for a spot of bird (and dog) watching. It was good, for the most part. I found a nest of magpies that me and Dom have been watching from the kitchen window -but up close!

Then I saw a tree that looked climbable. I was a bit dubious whether to climb a tree by myself. But the temptation took me and I did. I got quite high and just sat there for ages, watching the people, birds, dogs, and listening to music on my headphones. People on the path didn’t even notice me in the tree! It was great! A secret hangout. Hurt my left ankle a bit jumping down, but it’s fine.

Then I walked around and sat under a tree texting people my in my phone. Had a phone call with a friend and ex-colleague of mine. The call fell on to serious matters about my interview to get my old job back and things she’d heard… I got the strong impression that they have someone in mind for the role (hence them advertising and re-advertising three times!). Now they’ve finally interviewed I think their chosen person must have applied, so I have no chance. I am set to find out tomorrow, but knowing the company it’ll be more like Thursday or Friday…. sigh. I need this. But NOW, I’m not holding my breath…

Unsuccessful…

I just got an email from the better paid job(s) I applied for… scrap that, TWO emails (as I applied for the worker role and the senior role (thinking I was capable)… unfortunately they don’t even think I’m capable of the worker role… so there goes my hopes of a better paid job than before… It’s just knock back after knock back.

Now my only hope is getting my old job back… the one I interviewed for on Wednesday………. fuck. If they turn me down I’m done for. Please, please don’t turn me away. I’m desperate now. I need this. If they turn me down then I WILL be hurt. Big time.

Please, just give me a job!

So, back in early January my old job was back on the market as they FINALLY secured the project… I of course applied thinking they would have me back in a flash (as I’d already done the job for a year up until November when the old contract ended). I received a text from my ex-manager saying my app was good and I’d get an interview, but heard nothing from HR. Eventually they got back to me saying they were extending the advert for the vacancy… I was baffled. I can do the job and can start immediately, yet they are waiting to interview because of low number of applicants. ‘For god’s sake’ I thought, ‘why not just take me back?!’ I convinced myself that they don’t want me back. Actually, I convinced myself they’d do anything not to have me back.

I had however been promised an interview. February came around and they extended the advert for the job AGAIN! This cemented my fears of they will not be having me back because they are sick of me and my occasionally disabling mental health issues. To make it worse they stated in the job advert “No experience needed – we are dedicated to training you up from scratch”. Kick in the teeth or what. Felt like they’d completely forgotten all of my successes while working for them.

Got a phone call yesterday to finally arrange my interview. Part of me wanted to tell them I’d got a high flying well paid other job and to stick it. But, the realistic side of me thought great! A job! I need to earn money again! And I’m so bored! So I jumped at the interview.

Had the interview this afternoon… it went okay, but I definitely could have been more prepared. I wasn’t really feeling it. I prefer face to face but it was over Zoom. I tripped over my words a lot and kept going off topic, but I’ll have to wait and see. Cross my fingers I guess. Will find out in a few days.

I have applied to other jobs. Waiting to hear if I’m through to interview. One of the jobs is a hell of a lot more well paid, so I’ve not given up hope on other options yet. Even if I accept my old job and then get the better offer… I’d have to apologise to the company I’ve been with for the last two years and take the better offer. But that would be the absolute dream scenario. Who knows…

Christmas Build up catch up

Today the weather is bleugh… so I just chilled out in my PJ bottoms and dressing gown drinking gallons of tea. I probably would have done the same if the weather was decent to be honest.

I haven’t written in a week or so, so I would like to catch up: I’ve been very prepared this year and I am totally ready for Christmas. The original plan was for me and Dom to go our separate ways for the festive ‘5 day relaxed (covid) rules period’ but that was scrapped and announced on TV by the PM without much notice. Different areas faced harsher restrictions -including that of where Dom’s parents live. Plus, England are only allowed to mix house holds on Christmas Day. There’s no way Dom could see his family for one day (Christmas Day) as trains will not be running… so, he’s having Christmas with us this year, in the Yardley household. I feel sad for him that he won’t get that time with his Mom and Dad.

In a way I was really looking forward to having a five day break away -sleeping on the sofa at my Mom’s place. A nice change of pace and scene… Not that I want time away from Dom! -it’s just, over lockdown we have kinda been glued together! would be good to get a quick breather, see different faces, have fresh conversations.

Anyway, like I said, I am well prepared. I’ve bought presents for everyone and really thought them through. I’m quite good at gift giving, I think. I guess the proof is in whether the gift recipients agree with me! Dom on the other hand has not been prepared at all. I kept encouraging him to start Christmas shopping earlier in December, but he was too wrapped up (haha, unintentional pun) in his work with his PhD. He said it didn’t even feel like Christmas to him until just the other day. I’ve bought him loads of lovely gifts, and he’s already apologised to me in advance for not getting me much. It’s not the amount of presents I receive from him that is kinda getting to me, I think it’s the lack of thought and effort he’s put in. There are two parcels that came addressed to him from Amazon (prime) which he’s said are gifts for me. I hope he at least wraps them. I can’t complain really though. He’s been stressed and busy with work, where as I’ve had nothing better to do than to spend money that I probably shouldn’t have because I’m unemployed…

I just want to enjoy Christmas and put everything on January to be a new start. I have some New Year theories, but I’ll save writing them until NYE. First priority of Jan 2021 though- get a job!!!

They don’t want me!

The other day I had a phone conversation with my manager from the job I’ve just been made redundant from. I’d been owed this phone call for about a week but he’s a busy man, I understand. I’d had to politely remind him by text several times to give me a ring. The idea was for him to give me some feedback following the two interviews I had (via Zoom) to be redeployed in the company (that I was unsuccessful in), but we didn’t really touch upon that at all. Instead he asked about what new job opportunities I’d been looking at elsewhere, and started suggesting where else to look – despite vacancies becoming available there, where I’ve worked for the last two years… I asked about my chances of coming back if I should happen to apply for these new roles, and to my slight confusion he seemed to deter me from applying, putting me off with info about another colleague stepping in and likely to get the job etc. I just got a very strong feeling that they don’t want me back.

I know I haven’t been the easiest of employees to work with, due to my mental health conditions, but I like to think that I’m a hard worker who gets results, and that my managers had come to look past my (MH) disabilities… but clearly they had had enough. I actually felt that this was the case earlier in my employment, after been given an initial warning, followed by a disciplinary and then the threat of a second disciplinary -all of which I felt were unfair and unfounded considering my personal situation and complex needs. I saw an occupational health therapist for a ‘fit for work’ assessment after my managers called for it and HR made the referral, (around the time of my disciplinary). I was deemed both fit and unfit to work, depending on my fluctuations in wellness -which I’d already told them about and explained a hundred times that this was unlikely to change. I experience massive and extreme mood swings on a daily and monthly basis, from manic dizzying highs to debilitating crippling depression, and I am rarely in a stable state of in-between. But, I battle on! Every single day. I try so hard. Many people with problems similar to my own are (quite terribly) classed as ‘revolving door patients’ by care professionals, in and out of psychiatric hospitals their entire lives. It’s actually quite amazing how ‘functioning’ I am with everything I have going on.

I am quite upset that the company I worked for don’t want me back. I feel like my contracts ending was the perfect way for them to get rid of me for good. I feel like I was set up to fail in my redeployment opportunities, especially with the wording of one particular interview question… anyway. I need to move on now. I think if the company are not willing to stick to their reasonable adjustments to cater for my needs in a fair and equal way, then I’m better off not working for them.