Not much goes on in my life at the moment, as you can probably tell. It’s still lockdown, I am painfully unemployed and I have very few friends and zero motivation to do interests or hobbies. Getting out of bed would be a start.
I applied to work for the Department for Work and pensions… got through to an interview. I was hopeful following that, even though it was a pre-recorded interview. I have the relevant experience etc. And I thought the interview went okay. But no… that’s not what they thought. I got an email earlier this evening saying I’d been unsuccessful…
I am depressed. No one gives me a chance. I have everything going against me, including my own fucking brain with various multiple complex mental health bullshit. Still, I try and drag myself through life. Behind a everyone else my age who are buying houses and starting families.
I gave Dom a ticket out today. I don’t want to hold him back. He deserves more than a complete loser at life like me. He’s doing a PhD for gods sake. Here’s me, unemployed and off my fucking rocker, needing a monthly injection of antipsychotics and daily antidepressants to just about roll out of bed at about 12pm to stare at walls and do fuck all until bedtime.
I’ve been on a kind of rollercoster over the last month or so… to bullet point, here’s what’s happened: – I had an ECG scan with abnormal results – The psych reduced my depot of the antipsychotic Flupentixol – I had my ADHD meds (Elvanse) stopped abuptly because of the ECG – At work my contracts are ending so I’m at high risk being made redundant by the end of November – I found I was having extra trouble with motivation and worked out I’m depressed – Spoke to the psych who suggessted changing my antidepressants – Weened off thr SSRI Fluoxitine (Prozac) from top dose down to nothing – Today I started the new antidepressant (a SNRI) called Duloxitine … and so today I’m hoping to turn a corner with a fresh start!
This will be yet another of my famous comebacks! I’ve made a few small changes today already. I actually got out of bed and dressed, for one! I’ve forced myself to drink more water. I’ve weighed myself, as I need to seriously lose some lbs! (I’m around 16kg heavier than when I first started dating Dominic, shocking) I hate being overweight, makes me feel gross, which doesn’t help with depression and motivation… I’ve had healthy food so far today and I plan to keep it up -low-ish cals and only allowing myself to drink alcohol on the weekend. I’ve even turned to the mint green tea!
I don’t know whether it’s beacuse I slept the whole weekend away and I couldn’t possibly spend much more time in bed, or if it’s the new meds, or just being more hydrated than usual, but I do feel somewhat more active and alive today.