Cry baby at weddings…

A few weeks ago I was a bridesmaid at my cousin Rosie’s wedding. It was forecast to rain and was set to be an outdoorsy summer affair, but thankfully the weather held out all day and the celebrations were only dampened by my many tears during the ceremony! I am so strange when it comes to weddings of people close to me (and I guess even of those not so close to me – as I nearly cried at Dom’s friend’s wedding years ago), I just get really overcome with emotion. It’s confusing, I think it’s really lovely and cute and for some reason that brings me to tears… Yet, I play the clown in gatherings at funerals… in a desperate attempt to cheer people up…

Anyway, Rosie looked stunning, her and the groom looked like Britain’s next top models! Such a handsome couple. Dom and I unfortunately were not warned in time to congregate in the marquee for the speeches, so we missed a few minutes of the father of the bride speech talking to the woman selling craft ale round the corner, when we realised we had to be somewhere, we had to sneak in and found some seats that were quite far away. At the end of the groom’s speech he announced that the day previous they had discovered that Rosie is in fact pregnant with their first child!

I am so happy for them. They’ve been together for 10 years, and they are the perfect match. They will both make amazing parents.

There kind of is nothing I want more in this world than to have a baby. So of course I’m slightly envious, but not in a bad way. It’s just natural. Dom thinks we’re not ready… I am. I want a baby as soon as possible really. I hate the idea of leaving it too late. Or even not leaving it too late and being an old mom. Women only have a certain number of eggs, we’re not like men who are pretty much fertile until they’re dead! I’m 32 now.. rapidly approaching 33. Dom is still doing his PhD. Granted, it’s coming to an end, but then he wants a holiday and then he’ll have to get a job. Will we have to move? Who knows? When do we look into buying a house? All these things are factors. But, baby needs to be a factor somewhere too.

Rosie apologised to me sometime following the wedding that she didn’t warn me of the news before hand as she knows how triggering a pregnancy in the family can be for me (after the breakdown I had when I found out my other cousin Becky was pregnant – which was about two years ago now).

Total BPD reaction, to be so jealous that you can’t function. While at the same time knowing that they deserve all the happiness a child will bring to their family, and being happy for them. I’m trying so hard not to let it consume me this time. I’m trying to be happy with what I have right now. Dom sees my over the top emotional reactions and does not understand them. He thinks I’m being a baby. I really think he needs to research borderline personality disorder a bit more, because he just does not empathise with me when I need him to most.

He think’s I’m too immature and irresponsible right now. He want me to prove myself before we even think about it. He is a very pragmatic person. He has his routines that get him through, and that is that. I don’t have that. I try, but it does not come naturally to me. But spontaneous, idiosyncratic people can still be parents. I understand why he might want me to be stable for a prolonged period of time before we decide to procreate! I mean, that’s big! Bringing another life into the world. A little helpless slither of a human, to look after and mould into a functioning, well rounded person. We haven’t even had a pet!

BPD envy

My little bro is looking to BUY a house!! … Buy! Well, his girlfriend is at least – she’s the one with a job, (in a bank). I had a bit of a typical bitter BPD reaction when my parents told me they were looking for a property to buy…

Life is not fair. Everyone I’ve spoken to on the subject tries to tell me not to compare myself to others… ha. How do you not do that when everyone else’s lives are falling into place and mine is falling apart? When I try so hard to keep my head above water, working, where my brother hasn’t had a job in years, OR been on benefits, and now plans on buying (sort of) a house?!

Dom actually gets really mad at me for having this envy/jealousy towards other people who’s lives are working out for them. All the usual reasons – it’s not healthy, blah blah blah. Sometimes I just need to vent it though, and then I’ll get over it. For example… when I found out my cousin was having a baby I had a complete mental break down (over Christmas, two years back) and my bro and mom had to call an ambulance to deal with me. Now the baby is like 8 months old and it’s all fine. I still get pangs of jealousy as I (and the baby) age and I am still nowhere near capable of rearing a child of my own… let alone looking after myself. Fuck!

Anyway. I’m drunk right now and I’m coming to terms with my bro moving forward. As long as they don’t get pregnant before we do. That would just about kill me.