Ruminating on Therapy

I have this persistent, permanent underlying bad feeling… I’ve had it my entire life, and no matter what I do, I can’t get it to go away… not for very long anyway. It always returns.

The only way I can describe it is a crave, a need, to fill a void that exists in my core. it’s an empty feeling, a missing piece, a lack of some thing very important. These days it presents as an urge to put something in my mouth. Something nice, that will make me feel good. It’s often been the way, either consuming something intoxicating like alcohol or drugs, to relieve the feeling. Then there was the starving, followed by the binging and purging, in an attempt to gain power and control over it. Then there was the cutting, where I would try to drain it away.

I’m in therapy, and I can’t identify why or what this is. Is it an underdeveloped ego? Low self esteem? Anxiety? There is a huge, gaping hole inside me where something big should be. But I don’t know what! How can I fix what I don’t know?

It feels like I am lost, alone, lonely, left out, unheard, unnoticed, ignored, unimportant, bored, stuck, frustrated, angry, paralysed, muted, afraid, laughable, weak, pathetic, not taken seriously, disrespected, powerless, out of control, upset, irritated, not trusted, judged, put down, taken advantage of, used, abused, offended, tired, hopeless, unsure, uncertain, unstable, disliked, overreactive, sensitive, delicate, fragile… bad. In general. All the negative feelings and emotions you can think of.

I drink daily, to ‘take the edge off’. “Take the edge off what?” My therapist asked… a question that plagues me… what’s wrong with me? And how do I fix it?

I can’t go on using maladaptive coping mechanisms to get short-term relief from this feeling. I can’t continue to attempt to fill the void with alcohol. I need to figure this shit out and address the issue.

Being hairy didn’t make me more of a Feminist …

Well – duh! Of course it didn’t.

To be honest, as someone who was recently considering identifying as the transgender ‘category’ of non-binary I have struggled with calling myself a feminist (a bit dumb I know). To me the movement should be about equal rights and treatment despite gender, not the stereotype of a group of women who hate on men. What makes someone a ‘Feminist’ has changed a lot over the years. So it requires me to do a lot more reading on the subject.

As for transgender feminism – fair! Trans women have every right to call themselves a feminist.

This post has been inspired by how I spent Sunday evening; I plucked my eyebrows, dermaplaned my face, showed and shaved everything, including my hairy legs (that I had been growing on purpose for many months), I exfoliated, moisturised and painted my nails. One BIG grooming session. Finally shaving my legs was a conscious decision. The novelty had worn off and I had begun to dislike the look of them. I initially started to let them grow after not liking the act of shaving combined with feeling like I only do it because I’ve been conditioned. But no, turns out I just like feeling clean, smooth and hairless.

I’ve spent the day listening to a playlist of the Punk sub genre Riot Grrrl, born through feminism. It’s all a bit fascinating, and I don’t really know where I’m going with this post. I just feel I’m on an educational journey of self discovery and reflection.

Pride – Shroud or Proud?

It’s Birmingham Pride on Saturday… I was thinking about writing something about myself and how I identify on social media – to get it all out there and help the fight against stigma, but I’m still not sure…

Sexuality: For many years I’ve identified as bisexual, but never really needed to ‘come out’ as such. I’ve never felt worthy of it being labelled snd public information. It’s always been assumed anyway, and has never really bothered me as my sexual preference is nobody’s business except mine. Doing a bit of research I think really I identify more as pan sexual, because I fall in love with people and their personalities, not physical bodies/attributes.

Identity: Recently I have been toying with identifying as non binary (not female or male). It’s been a bit of a rollercoaster in my mind, because although I feel way more comfortable being classed as both male and female, or neither (in the middle), that would mean I fall under the category as ‘Transgender’… I don’t feel like I am trans gender, because I don’t feel like I have had to transition. I have been in the middle of male and female my entire life. There was no revelation. I am who I am, and that’s that.

Sex: I was born female at birth, so have the adult woman body that comes with that. Just because I don’t fully identify as being female, I understand how I will be perceived according to my woman body’s shape and exterior. I am also very used to being called the pronouns she/her, as I’ve been a girl since I was born. As far as pronouns go, I do not want people to have to alter anything about how they refer to me, I don’t want to make things difficult, and I actually don’t care what you call me. I do not prefer to be called they/them, although if you did I’d appreciate the gesture.

It’s the in between of everything that makes me feel like a fraud and not worthy to ‘come out’ as a pan sexual non binary individual. I’m not one way or the other, and I’ve not had to transition. I’ve had it easy compared to a lot of the LGBTQ+ community. Where do I go from here?

Any advice is welcomed, my message box is always open. Hit me up.