BPD + Me = Forever Alone?

When lockdown first happened I reached out to loads of people who I’d not spoken to in years. I felt more forced into isolation than ever before, and I’m quite a social person naturally, I just can’t keep hold of friends for some reason..? All of a sudden I was connected again! I felt revitalised, like I suddenly had more friends than I thought! They were all just a bit dusty on a shelf hidden away in the back of my brain somewhere. We had conversations over the phone, WhatsApp groups, and meet ups over Zoom (which seemed to be the new Skype). Lockdown was a bit of an excuse to do these things. Distance wasn’t a problem OR an excuse for anyone anymore because you could be bloody neighbours and still not be allowed to see each other face to face in real life. It was a weird time, filled with boredom, loneliness and fear, but also, hope, gratitude and strong emotional bonds.

Fast forward to lockdown lifting; The incredibly, idiotically named “Freedom Day”, where everyone was… (is..?) still scared about COVID killing people, but it’s not enough to keep us apart anymore… all so it may seem.

Personally, I feel lonely again. I’m seeing wAy more people face to face now, at my new job etc. than I have done for a very long time, but I’ve gone out of my way to make sure I continue to text and ‘check in’ on those people who I reconnected with at the start of lockdown. However, I’m not getting much in return… the conversations run dry, I get short answers, or no answers at all! I know people have their busy lives back, but so do I..? – I’m still making the effort… Friendship is supposed to be a two way thing. Where are the people texting and ‘checking in’ on me? Where are my texts out of the blue?

I swear, I scroll through my phone book these days and there are so few I would actually call a friend I can’t tell if it’s sad or scary.. maybe both…

I had a conversation about this with Dom not long ago. He notices when I get down and always asks about what is making me sad. when the answer is that I’m lonely and I don’t have any friends, it can get a bit awkward. Dom likes to be a problem solver and resolve my sadness with advice, but for this it’s tough… you can’t just magic up friends. You have to build on relationships with chosen people over a long time… not only is there the ‘growth period’ that is a blocker to having instant friends, but there is the question of where the hell do you find them, if you’re not at school, college or Uni..? those were my chances to build relationships that would last me through my boring adult/‘more mature’ years. But no, BPD prevented me from ever having healthy relationships with anyone. Thanks BPD… Then, there were the ones (mainly from Uni) that I did want to keep as forever friends… but I didn’t maintain it he relationships properly when I moved back to Birmingham… “Out of sight, out of mind”, thanks ADHD… so I feel like those relationships are now beyond repair, and I’ll never have that tight bond we once had ever again… Fuck.

I’ve even neglected my relationship with my brother… who for most of my life has been my best friend in the whole world. We have a closeness due to our family situation that not many people would be able to comprehend. Our family are the functioning fucked up, but however negative that sounds… there is SO much love for each other. Me, my Mom, my brother and my Dad.

Now of course I have Dom, the love of my life. I know this because he balances me out whist at the same time sticks by me and supports me through thick and thin. He has the patients of a saint, not many people would or could put up with my multitude of flaws (be that due to the personality disorder or various other factors). Dom saw something in me that was worth more than anything I could see in myself, he has spent the last four years trying to show me and to convince me to believe in myself, which I must admit is sinking in. He saw a future, he saw potential, he saw the ‘me’ beneath my collection of diagnoses and layers of medication. However dreamy snd romantic sounding this is it’s not been easy – Don made very clear from the start of our relationship that he wouldn’t be my carer, that I have to be able to take care of myself and prove that I can be independent… Which, I worked at, and eventually did. I feel like I’m still proving it, every day, but not to him, to myself. Now I want to succeed, I want to be stable and happy and one day raise a family with Dom. He gave me something to fight for. He was and always will be the light at the end of a very dark tunnel.

I love you Dominic Russ.

Talking about the future like this has made me realise, there are a small handful of people who I still want to be around with me on this journey. People I feel are drifting away. My brother being the main one. I have a few relationships that I need to focus on fixing, then I can think about new friends (if I need them). I’m nearly 33, where do you get new friends at this age anyway?

Those people I love, you know who you are (yet I very much doubt you know of the existence of this blog). I’m coming for you, I’ve not given up.

Yet another rejection

Not much goes on in my life at the moment, as you can probably tell. It’s still lockdown, I am painfully unemployed and I have very few friends and zero motivation to do interests or hobbies. Getting out of bed would be a start.

I applied to work for the Department for Work and pensions… got through to an interview. I was hopeful following that, even though it was a pre-recorded interview. I have the relevant experience etc. And I thought the interview went okay. But no… that’s not what they thought. I got an email earlier this evening saying I’d been unsuccessful…

I am depressed. No one gives me a chance. I have everything going against me, including my own fucking brain with various multiple complex mental health bullshit. Still, I try and drag myself through life. Behind a everyone else my age who are buying houses and starting families.

I gave Dom a ticket out today. I don’t want to hold him back. He deserves more than a complete loser at life like me. He’s doing a PhD for gods sake. Here’s me, unemployed and off my fucking rocker, needing a monthly injection of antipsychotics and daily antidepressants to just about roll out of bed at about 12pm to stare at walls and do fuck all until bedtime.

I am nothing.

I LOVE MY MOM! (international woman’s day)

Today radio 6 woke me up as usual, informing me of world events alongside some good tunes. Today is International Woman’s Day… it got me thinking (there’s a lot of space to think when you’re unemployed), I thought about writing a post on topic, but couldn’t find my angle. So instead, I’m going to freestyle.

The first person and most important woman who will ever be in my life is my Mom. It’s only been in the most recent years (my late 20’s and early 30’s) that I have really grown to appreciated her for EVERYTHING she’s done for me and my little (now big) bro, and all she’s endured and sacrificed for us.

The more I thought about it being international woman’s day, the more I ended up thinking about my mom – so this post is dedicated to her.

I speak to my Mom almost everyday about nothing, somethings, anything’s and everything! This evening I text her to tell her that she is my hero. I am a bit depressed at the moment, and I got tearful in front of Dom about a memory that haunts me… Mom and I were in class learning BSL level 3 a few years ago, the topic of conversation in the group was ‘role models’, we each took turns to say a role model of ours, it came to my turn and I said “I don’t know?”, other group members laughed as my own mother was sat beside me and that would have been an obvious choice. I glanced at my Mom and she looked a bit hurt, but hiding it well, laughing along. I think I can accidentally be a real arsehole sometimes. It was just that (at that time) I didn’t believe in having a ‘role model’ as such. I’ve grown up a lot since then. I’m less of a twat.

My Mom loved my message, she told me she went for a walk in the park today and got talking to a grandmother on the way home, in her message to me, Mom talked about the woman:

“She said about her daughter when she was growing up ‘I never thought that we would be best friends’, but she said ‘we really are’, it made me think about us and how we are best mates, I had never thought of it before?” – My Mom

She’d made me realise it too -my Mom is my best friend. If ever I have any news she’s the first person I call. When I’m bored (however sick of me she must get) I phone and she answers. I love that woman. I have two main people saved in my phone as emergency contacts, my Mom and Dom.

I texted her back confirming we’re best friends forever! (Complete with tears streaming down my face – like I said, I’m a tad depressed and the slightest thing can set me off at the moment).

Understatement… shit, I was balling! There is too much emotion for me to comprehend, to handle. I thought I’d never be able to stop crying. The love, the pain of the future loss, the guilt of not being there when she’s needed me in the past. Everything. I’m a big upset mess at the moment. I’m due my depot injection tomorrow, think I’m going to enquire about upping the antidepressants. ANYWAY!

This has been a good post, I feel I haven’t had to delve too much into my upbringing to show you how much my Mom has done for me and my brother. However, I will say, she did above and beyond as a single parent to give us both more opportunities than she could have ever dreamed of when she was a kid. If a mother supports and provides for their child/children then my Mom is the best in the world.

I love you Momoo!

Happy Wednesday

Feeling way too positive today… I’m not used to it…

After a completely sleepless night (one before last), last night I went to bed at 10pm and set my alarm for 7am. I fell asleep with a strong determination to get up when my alarm told me to. And guess what… -I did! I just -got up! If you knew me, you would know how unlikely it was for that to actually happen. I started the day perfectly; came down stairs, had coffee, flicked on the morning news programme, ate a healthy breakfast, had a shower, got dressed -in ‘daytime clothes’ not the usual half and half combo that has become the norm over lockdown of comfortable pyjama bottoms with t-shirt and hoodie, using the excuse that there is no real need to leave the house. As a matter of fact, at breakfast I used up the last bit of cereal in the bag (granola if you want to know), so I decided to go out to the shop to get some more. A nice cold morning walk up the road in the fresh air to the local convenience store. Dom came with me. I woke him up an hour after I got up and we were out the house just after nine.

I tried to explain my current feelings to Dom as we walked… I feel as though I’ve had a near death experience and woken up the next morning thankful to still be alive. The kind of feeling where the grass looks greener, you notice the birds singing, food tastes better. Basically, I think I might be happy. right now, this morning, despite everything going on – I am happy.

Maybe the new antidepressants are working after all. It’s kind of a good job I didn’t ring the psych team yesterday like I wrote that I would, to complain that the drugs aren’t doing anything.

Maybe this happiness is a bit too much? But don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. I’m just a bit weirded out by how drastic of a change my mood has gone through overnight. They always say things will be better in the morning, but they never usually are.

Duloxitine – Day 1

I’ve been on a kind of rollercoster over the last month or so… to bullet point, here’s what’s happened:
– I had an ECG scan with abnormal results
– The psych reduced my depot of the antipsychotic Flupentixol
– I had my ADHD meds (Elvanse) stopped abuptly because of the ECG
– At work my contracts are ending so I’m at high risk being made redundant by the end of November
– I found I was having extra trouble with motivation and worked out I’m depressed
– Spoke to the psych who suggessted changing my antidepressants
– Weened off thr SSRI Fluoxitine (Prozac) from top dose down to nothing
– Today I started the new antidepressant (a SNRI) called Duloxitine
… and so today I’m hoping to turn a corner with a fresh start!

This will be yet another of my famous comebacks! I’ve made a few small changes today already. I actually got out of bed and dressed, for one! I’ve forced myself to drink more water. I’ve weighed myself, as I need to seriously lose some lbs! (I’m around 16kg heavier than when I first started dating Dominic, shocking) I hate being overweight, makes me feel gross, which doesn’t help with depression and motivation… I’ve had healthy food so far today and I plan to keep it up -low-ish cals and only allowing myself to drink alcohol on the weekend. I’ve even turned to the mint green tea!

I don’t know whether it’s beacuse I slept the whole weekend away and I couldn’t possibly spend much more time in bed, or if it’s the new meds, or just being more hydrated than usual, but I do feel somewhat more active and alive today.