I just kept thinking, where’s my Christmas miracle… y’know? I interviewed for two separate redeployment opportunities but my co-workers got the roles. There wasn’t enough to go round. Reminds me of being picked last to join a team of basketball in senior school.. fucking sucks. At least in school it didn’t effect how much money we have to live on! Being an adult is waaay harder.
I haven’t slept tonight. It’s 6:00am now, so I just got up. Dom and I argued last night. It was a serious one. Came close to the end of our relationship… there was a lot of shouting, slamming things, tears (on my part), it was a mess. I really need to sort my life out. It’s crumbling away, and I’ve worked so hard to get to this point. Depression wants to beat me again, but I’m not going to let it. I’m going to phone the psych team at 9:00am, tell them the new drugs aren’t working on me yet.
Basically everything at the moment is a wake up call. And if I don’t make some big lifestyle changes I’m going to be back at square one, for sure. I don’t want to choose the easy life. I want the good life. And that comes with hard work.
I’m going to spend the next few hours working on my CV and looking for jobs. If I could get a new job to start in January, that could be a real turning point. A fresh start. No horrible reputation of mental health days off sick, or being late because I couldn’t drag myself out of bed. A clean slate. New people. Yeahh.. that would be nice.
I’ve been on a kind of rollercoster over the last month or so… to bullet point, here’s what’s happened: – I had an ECG scan with abnormal results – The psych reduced my depot of the antipsychotic Flupentixol – I had my ADHD meds (Elvanse) stopped abuptly because of the ECG – At work my contracts are ending so I’m at high risk being made redundant by the end of November – I found I was having extra trouble with motivation and worked out I’m depressed – Spoke to the psych who suggessted changing my antidepressants – Weened off thr SSRI Fluoxitine (Prozac) from top dose down to nothing – Today I started the new antidepressant (a SNRI) called Duloxitine … and so today I’m hoping to turn a corner with a fresh start!
This will be yet another of my famous comebacks! I’ve made a few small changes today already. I actually got out of bed and dressed, for one! I’ve forced myself to drink more water. I’ve weighed myself, as I need to seriously lose some lbs! (I’m around 16kg heavier than when I first started dating Dominic, shocking) I hate being overweight, makes me feel gross, which doesn’t help with depression and motivation… I’ve had healthy food so far today and I plan to keep it up -low-ish cals and only allowing myself to drink alcohol on the weekend. I’ve even turned to the mint green tea!
I don’t know whether it’s beacuse I slept the whole weekend away and I couldn’t possibly spend much more time in bed, or if it’s the new meds, or just being more hydrated than usual, but I do feel somewhat more active and alive today.