Ruminating on Therapy

I have this persistent, permanent underlying bad feeling… I’ve had it my entire life, and no matter what I do, I can’t get it to go away… not for very long anyway. It always returns.

The only way I can describe it is a crave, a need, to fill a void that exists in my core. it’s an empty feeling, a missing piece, a lack of some thing very important. These days it presents as an urge to put something in my mouth. Something nice, that will make me feel good. It’s often been the way, either consuming something intoxicating like alcohol or drugs, to relieve the feeling. Then there was the starving, followed by the binging and purging, in an attempt to gain power and control over it. Then there was the cutting, where I would try to drain it away.

I’m in therapy, and I can’t identify why or what this is. Is it an underdeveloped ego? Low self esteem? Anxiety? There is a huge, gaping hole inside me where something big should be. But I don’t know what! How can I fix what I don’t know?

It feels like I am lost, alone, lonely, left out, unheard, unnoticed, ignored, unimportant, bored, stuck, frustrated, angry, paralysed, muted, afraid, laughable, weak, pathetic, not taken seriously, disrespected, powerless, out of control, upset, irritated, not trusted, judged, put down, taken advantage of, used, abused, offended, tired, hopeless, unsure, uncertain, unstable, disliked, overreactive, sensitive, delicate, fragile… bad. In general. All the negative feelings and emotions you can think of.

I drink daily, to ‘take the edge off’. “Take the edge off what?” My therapist asked… a question that plagues me… what’s wrong with me? And how do I fix it?

I can’t go on using maladaptive coping mechanisms to get short-term relief from this feeling. I can’t continue to attempt to fill the void with alcohol. I need to figure this shit out and address the issue.

Workin’ it out!

So I’ve been in my new (managers) role for a whole month now, (I still can’t believe it!). All in all… it’s gone very well. My manager, however, neglects to support me, which I am not used to! I get zero guidance, few instructions and minimal praise. But, it’s just meant I’ve had to stand up and very quickly become a strong, independent leader. I’ve had to put my boss boots on a few times, things are taking shape though, and i’ve got to remember that me and the team are all learning.

I’ve also started Therapy. Tuesday afternoons at 4:00pm, which would be impossible as I work 8:30am-4pm, but I requested that we do it via video calls, so I don’t have to travel a million miles across town and have to miss work.

It’s going well, only three sessions in. I like my therapist. He seem’s very fair, insightful, informed, empathetic, understanding, humble and kind. I’ll refer to him as ‘J’. He’s already gained my respect, we’ve spoken about my previous attempts at therapy and what I got, or got denied (in one case) from it. I like that he is conscious not to go over the same things as before, and he seems eager to help me. He’s commented on my ability to reflect on things and convey my message clearly, which I appreciated. You know me, love a bit of praise!

New job – week one!

I have had a GREAT first week at my new job as a first time manager. Everyone in the company have been so welcoming and friendly! I only got my devises (laptop, phone etc.) on Thursday afternoon, so most of the week was meetings with various departments and shadowing. Thankfully now I can get in with some real work!

I seem to have made a good impression, I’ve got loads of new, fresh ideas, and people are excited to hear them. I’ve even been said to be thinking outside the box! I’ll be meeting with the CEO next week, which I’m really looking forward to. I want to pick her brain about the organisation.

I’ve spent tonight ordering office-y things for my desk. I’ve never had my own desk before! It’s great! The team of two I’m managing seem pretty cool. One man one woman. Both a bit younger than me. They came into the project internally, so already know everyone and are familiar with the values of the charity. I’m going to deliver training on being a job coach and employability skills as they are both quite new to the employment department.

There is not much to report apart from how ecstatically happy I am right now! The early starts have been a bit tough. It’s 35 hours a week, 8:30am – 4:00pm. But the early start means an early finish!!! One of the days I arrived home at 4:50pm. Not even five! The evenings seem a lot longer which is nice. Just… absolutely loving life right now!

Interview 3rd time lucky!

After my last post – the interview I did for Business Development and Data Analysis job within the company was unsuccessful… to be fair, I was actually a little bit relieved. It was a shot in the dark for a pay increase and I was under qualified. I would have been out of my depth had I have been successful. Do that was interview number one.

Interview number two… after applying for the Lead role in a similar company’s employment department and hearing nothing back I was open to the job market. I received a phone call out of the blue from a recruitment agency who found my CV on CV Library. They had a vacancy to fill in the employment department of a charity/organisation that they thought I might be interested in. I heard them out and surprise, surprise – it was a mental health employability organisation that work with CMHT’s in the NHS. One of which I have had some level of support from. So an interview was set up with me over teams as the salary was set to be again a good five grand more than I am on currently. It was over Microsoft Teams, and I got through the interview with the opinion that it had gone really well. To be honest I thought I had it in the bag. However, the agency called me a few days later letting me know I’d been unsuccessful. I was actually shocked. I had more than enough experience but the feed back was that I talked my way off topic. That’s clearly my ADHD coming into play, along with your general interview nerves. So that was another fail.

The same day I found out I’d failed the second interview I received an email asking me to call a number regarding my application for the employability lead role (the one I thought I’d been overlooked for). So I phoned and they told me they loved my (10 page long) application and would like to invite me to interview! I was so thrilled. They explained the reason why it was so long since the application deadline to shortlisting was due to staffing absences. They postponed the shortlisting process until everyone could be together. I agreed and book the day off Annual Leave.

The interview was at 10am. It was a three part interview, 30 mins shadowing, 30 mins panel, and 30 mins values. I got through it, but after the last two knock backs I couldn’t tell if what I had done would be good enough. I felt pretty good in my outfit strutting around town all afternoon, post manager role interview. They told me I’d find out if I was successful either the next day or by the end of the week.

The very next day I was back at work. My first appointment didn’t show up. I got a phone call from an unknown number. It was one of the people who were on the panel telling me I was successful and had got the job of DWP Employability Lead! I almost screamed! This was everything I’d been dreaming about since spending about 10 hours on a 10 page application. I knew I had the relevant experience to be a manager, just needed to break through and be given that initial opportunity to prove myself in the role.

I’m so thrilled! This was more money salary wise than the other two jobs I went for. This one is a nine and a half grand increase! Biggest pay rise ever! I’ve handed my notice in at my current job and have had the official job offer letter from the new place. Both are homelessness charitable organisations, so I’m well versed in their clientele/needs. Only difference is – now I’ll be leading a team who do what I do now. I will be middle management. No longer customer facing. So ‘climbing that ladder’ as I said in a previous post, is now happening!!

My start date is Monday 7th March 2022. My working hours (which scare me a little) will be 8:30am – 4:00pm… I am shit at early starts….. that will have to change. Need to set the bar for my team. Can’t be a role model if I’m late! I’m so excited and nervous at the same time. Apparently I’m starting on the same day as my team! To be honest I would have preferred to have had at least a one day head start on them, so that I can get to grips with the targets snd what I’ll be asking of them.

Anyway. For now I’m just doing handover stuff at work with my manager and colleagues. It feels so strange that I’ll be moving on and up. we have all agreed that we’ll be in close contact once I’m gone, which is nice. My manager has been amazing. Cannot fault her. She is my rock. I doubt I’ll get that kind of support in work again, but now I have to be that manager to others.

Covid Christmas

As you may have guessed from the title, I had covid this Christmas (I guess it’s ‘last’ Christmas now)… yep, the bloody virus that has plagued the world for the last few years finally caught up with me. And it meant I couldn’t spend Christmas Day with my family, which sucked, big time! Me and Dom were isolating, so he couldn’t go and stop with his family either. We made the best of a bad situation though. Neither of us were too ill on the big day, I’d actually started to test negative, but with Dom being positive we continued to isolate until the day after Boxing Day when we had both been negative for two days running.

My lovely Mom helped us out over the isolation period, did us a grocery shop, she even cooked and delivered us a full blown Christmas dinner on the day!!! I got to wave at her from the gate. It was so sweet of her, it made me happy-sad, (a concept that I’ve come up with to explain my conflicting emotions).

Anywho, Dom and I practically drank our way through the 10 (or more) day illness. I lost my sense of smell and taste at one stage, but thankfully it came back by Christmas Eve. Losing smell and taste is devastating! Especially during the holiday period where we are all indulging in deliciousness!

We had a quiet New Year’s Eve. I spent most of it doing e-learning for work… that’s right, I logged on to complete ruddy e-learning. 31st December was the deadline and I had left a LOT of it to the very last minute. I started at about midday and didn’t finish until about 10:30pm. What a way to start the new year! -trying desperately to finish off all the crap you always put off, and tie up loose ends.

Just before the strike of twelve I called my Mom and then joined Dom in a Zoom call to his mates. We got drunk and slept late on New Year’s Day, as is the done thing (if you don’t have children).

I’m feeling pretty positive about the new year, I will continue to progress, in all areas of life. Slow as I am – I am getting better…

Can’t… concentrate!..

I have just under a week and a half until I break up for Christmas. Soooo much paperwork to get done, it is unbelievable. But can I find my focus?… of course not!! ADHD is owning me at the moment! I can hardly do anything!!! I haven’t even done any Christmas shopping yet! Time is ticking!!

You can probably feel my frustration with all the exclamation marks. So I’ve taken myself to the pub, mainly to have as word with myself on my blog to pull it together, have a pint and buy some gifts online and pray they arrive before the big day.

To be honest, the pub is soothing, the crappy Christmas tunes, a beer in arms reach and the fires going. Makes a change from the house. Christmas is not ruined yet! If only I could work in the pub in the day time lol.

1. Start a fight 2. Regret it later

This weekend (just gone) was the annual Xmas meet up with me and my cousins. We’re all of a similar age and are quite a close knit bunch of friends more than anything. All of our partners were invited so there was quite a few of us, we planned to meet in town and go Curling at a novelty games arena/bar type place. I stressed out trying to get there on time (as I’m renowned for being late and didn’t want to give them the satisfaction of making their remarks as usual), so me and Dom got a taxi. The taxi dropped us a few streets away due to roadworks, so there was a narrow path for us to go down to get to the venue…

We politely made our way around other pedestrians on the same path saying ‘sorry’, ‘excuse me’, ‘we’re running late’, etc. When eventually near our turning we cross a couple (man and woman) with a pram each, walking as slow as humanly possible. So, we farted around the woman and was trying to over take the man when the woman piped up and said ‘watch out love, there’s someone up your arse!’ Which I thought was a bit OTT, but ignored it, he looked around snd I said sorry as we passed him (and the pram). Then he makes some obscene comment like ‘For fuck’s sake!’.. despite me being polite. I looked back over my shoulder to give him eyes, and Dom told him where to go.

THEN! The woman started shouting her mouth off at us. So I stopped walking away. I turned around and shouted back at her. To my absolute fucking surprise- she completely abandoned he own baby in a pram – started walking towards me to square up. At this point she has no fucking idea what she’s got her self into (and in a completely different way, neither do I). Me being me will not submit or cower away. So I storm right up to her face shouting as I do -harnessing the combine disorders of BPD snd ADHD- and square right back up to her. Tensions were high. Before I knew it I was throwing punches and Dom was dragging me off. Oh yeah, I hadn’t mentioned this was in broad daylight at 3:30 in the afternoon. The bloke left his pram also, in order to drag me and this bitch apart – so both their babies were left in pram son the street unattended… very fucking responsible… I continued to shout abuse such as ‘you should never procreate!’.

Dom was so pissed off at me. He hardly spoke to me for the next 24 hours. Even in front of my family he kept his distance from me. I’ve been stable for literally years. I’m bound to have slip ups. I don’t think he realises how hard I find it to control myself.

Nosedive

The other month I broke my nose. I had just finished work snd was running for a bus (the bus was stuck in traffic and I was trying to beat it to the stop), I tripped and went flying! Landed flat on my face nose first into the concrete path. I heard my nose make a very loud crunch and I just thought.. fuck. I stayed down sprawled out on the floor. People started to gather around me to help me up, when they peeled me off the pavement there was a puddle of blood on the floor. Someone brought out a chair from the nearby pharmacy, and someone else gave me their unopened bottle of water. Everyone was so kind! It really restored my faith in people. I eventually went to the pharmacy to clean up. And then got a taxi home. I couldn’t get hold of Dom. He was so shocked when I walked in!

I text my boss what had happened the next day and at lunch time she called me saying she’d only just read the message. she was really concerned, and told me to get it checked out. So I pretty much was let off work for the afternoon which was pretty nice of her. I phoned my GP, who suggested I contact a walk in clinic, who suggested I phone 111, who’s lines where busy and suggested I go on the NHS 111 website, where I answered some questions and was advised to go to A&E… a bit long winded, so that’s what I did. They x-rayed my face and I was booked in with the emergency Ear Nose and Throat clinic 10 days after the accident.

So! Ten days later I attend my appointment. Apparatus they leave it ten days for the swelling to go down, but giving just enough time before the bones set (which apparently takes 14 days). Anyway, my nose was a little wonky so they ‘re-set it… they injected a local anaesthetic into the bridge of my nose and manipulated my nose until it looked straight. There was a little click in my head as they did it – which is supposedly a good sign. So yeah, had my nose broken twice in two weeks.

It’s better now and the graze has healed. They did an amazing job of straightening it at ENT in hospital. I took a before and after photo, and it’s made all the difference. thank you NHS!!

Love hurts

Dom and I argued on the weekend. We’d been out Saturday night, had a few drinks and actually a really nice time together, however when we got home he noticed I hadn’t done the washing up before we left. He was furious. It was like the straw that broke the camel’s back. He broke up with me over it. He said the words to end our relationship. 4 whole years, finished. Just like that. Over something as menial as the washing up.

We kind-of got over it and slept in the same bed afterwards, it was (but it wasn’t) all forgotten about the next morning. The argument lingered over us, although we both chose not to acknowledge it. It lasted for days, longer than the hangover from the alcohol consumed that night. Neither of us could focus at work, last night I couldn’t even sleep. I was ruminating on it all. Questioning if he actually loves me at all, or whether he just says the words ‘Love you’ automatically these days. I then questioned if he has ever loved me, or if he was/is just settling for less than he’s capable of getting from a partner. We had a pretty turbulent relationship from the get go, partly due to my BPD reactions to being in a romantic relationship, and partly due to both our mental health conditions to be honest, that and the stress/pressure of his academic studies… but we made it work, with a lot of hard work and patients – we manage.

Last night while I was lay in bed staring into the dark, questioning all things surrounding me and Dom, I found I started to not only question if he loves me – but if I love him… Questions like: am I just automatically saying the words these days? Did I ever love him? Or was I rebounding from the previous relationship I was in? Did I latch on to Dom through the fear of being alone and single in my early thirties? I then started to question how he makes me feel. Do I feel like an equal? Do I feel respected? The answer… really, is no. I feel like he is better than me… and I feel like he knows it. I even feel sometimes (like that night) he shows it.

Then I started to ask myself if I’m the one that deserves better? Someone who would show me more respect and better understanding… after the way he sometimes speaks to me.

Today is Wednesday and this morning I addressed the elephant in the room – the argument we had on Saturday night… The argument in which he broke up with me, over the washing up… He remembered it all, and admitted that he took it too far. He apologised, as did I. Him for making me sad and me for making him mad.

The way he talks to me when he snaps is not okay. It’s cruel, hurtful, disrespectful, spiteful, and demeaning. He’s never done it sober. But alcohol is a catalyst to feelings. I think he is under a lot of pressure with his studies right now and it’s forcing him to lash out, act out of character. Should I be worried? Think less about myself and my reactions to this behaviour and more about him? And the reason this all happened? He is clearly under a lot of stress. I just don’t know how to help or what to do about it.

Target 🎯 smashed!

This month we were all set a target of 10 new registrations. I got 11… yes, that’s 110% Woop! In line for the prize for most registrations in September I think! Apparently the prize is to do with a team night out! Now, that sounds like my kinda prize! I’ve also written an article for world mental health day. I’ll probably post it on here on the day, because why not!

I got a hair cut today too, hence the new look. I fear I look a bit like a stereotypical lesbian, and a fat one at that! I don’t really mind, I’m just glad to finally get it cut! Was driving me mad!

I’m a bit proud and a bit ashamed… Proud because I got all those registrations, but ashamed because I am behind on logs, and it’s getting worse! I need to get back on top before I’m in over my head! I have my 3 month mid-probationary period review on Friday. I really don’t want to let my boss down. There are just not enough hours in the week when you have ADHD. I need to speak to her about this.

BPD + Me = Forever Alone?

When lockdown first happened I reached out to loads of people who I’d not spoken to in years. I felt more forced into isolation than ever before, and I’m quite a social person naturally, I just can’t keep hold of friends for some reason..? All of a sudden I was connected again! I felt revitalised, like I suddenly had more friends than I thought! They were all just a bit dusty on a shelf hidden away in the back of my brain somewhere. We had conversations over the phone, WhatsApp groups, and meet ups over Zoom (which seemed to be the new Skype). Lockdown was a bit of an excuse to do these things. Distance wasn’t a problem OR an excuse for anyone anymore because you could be bloody neighbours and still not be allowed to see each other face to face in real life. It was a weird time, filled with boredom, loneliness and fear, but also, hope, gratitude and strong emotional bonds.

Fast forward to lockdown lifting; The incredibly, idiotically named “Freedom Day”, where everyone was… (is..?) still scared about COVID killing people, but it’s not enough to keep us apart anymore… all so it may seem.

Personally, I feel lonely again. I’m seeing wAy more people face to face now, at my new job etc. than I have done for a very long time, but I’ve gone out of my way to make sure I continue to text and ‘check in’ on those people who I reconnected with at the start of lockdown. However, I’m not getting much in return… the conversations run dry, I get short answers, or no answers at all! I know people have their busy lives back, but so do I..? – I’m still making the effort… Friendship is supposed to be a two way thing. Where are the people texting and ‘checking in’ on me? Where are my texts out of the blue?

I swear, I scroll through my phone book these days and there are so few I would actually call a friend I can’t tell if it’s sad or scary.. maybe both…

I had a conversation about this with Dom not long ago. He notices when I get down and always asks about what is making me sad. when the answer is that I’m lonely and I don’t have any friends, it can get a bit awkward. Dom likes to be a problem solver and resolve my sadness with advice, but for this it’s tough… you can’t just magic up friends. You have to build on relationships with chosen people over a long time… not only is there the ‘growth period’ that is a blocker to having instant friends, but there is the question of where the hell do you find them, if you’re not at school, college or Uni..? those were my chances to build relationships that would last me through my boring adult/‘more mature’ years. But no, BPD prevented me from ever having healthy relationships with anyone. Thanks BPD… Then, there were the ones (mainly from Uni) that I did want to keep as forever friends… but I didn’t maintain it he relationships properly when I moved back to Birmingham… “Out of sight, out of mind”, thanks ADHD… so I feel like those relationships are now beyond repair, and I’ll never have that tight bond we once had ever again… Fuck.

I’ve even neglected my relationship with my brother… who for most of my life has been my best friend in the whole world. We have a closeness due to our family situation that not many people would be able to comprehend. Our family are the functioning fucked up, but however negative that sounds… there is SO much love for each other. Me, my Mom, my brother and my Dad.

Now of course I have Dom, the love of my life. I know this because he balances me out whist at the same time sticks by me and supports me through thick and thin. He has the patients of a saint, not many people would or could put up with my multitude of flaws (be that due to the personality disorder or various other factors). Dom saw something in me that was worth more than anything I could see in myself, he has spent the last four years trying to show me and to convince me to believe in myself, which I must admit is sinking in. He saw a future, he saw potential, he saw the ‘me’ beneath my collection of diagnoses and layers of medication. However dreamy snd romantic sounding this is it’s not been easy – Don made very clear from the start of our relationship that he wouldn’t be my carer, that I have to be able to take care of myself and prove that I can be independent… Which, I worked at, and eventually did. I feel like I’m still proving it, every day, but not to him, to myself. Now I want to succeed, I want to be stable and happy and one day raise a family with Dom. He gave me something to fight for. He was and always will be the light at the end of a very dark tunnel.

I love you Dominic Russ.

Talking about the future like this has made me realise, there are a small handful of people who I still want to be around with me on this journey. People I feel are drifting away. My brother being the main one. I have a few relationships that I need to focus on fixing, then I can think about new friends (if I need them). I’m nearly 33, where do you get new friends at this age anyway?

Those people I love, you know who you are (yet I very much doubt you know of the existence of this blog). I’m coming for you, I’ve not given up.

Getting back on the blog train

Hi everyone! I’ve had a little break, things have been a bit hectic; what with starting my new job and everything, but I’m back and will try to be posting daily again!

I am very happy to report I am loving my new job! It’s SO GOOD to have a reason to get up in the morning. Without blowing my own horn – I seem to have made quite an impression. The managers love me and the way I work. I’ve been super organised and thorough, they’re planning on making me team champion… I’ve only been in the job just under a month! I’m actually really proud of myself, which is rare, but it feels kinda good to take pride in the service I provide. I went above and beyond yesterday to support a client and it was really appreciated by them. It gives them the boost these people need when someone listens and helps, which makes me feel good too. It’s a win win.

I am finding it hard to switch off when it’s clocking off time though. I have an addictive personality, so I don’t want to end up a workaholic. I really need to force myself to find that work/life balance.

… Starting tonight! Today is payday! My first pay check, so I’m going out with my boyfriend Dom for a meal at our favourite Italian. My treat. Date night! Gotta be there in half an hour so I’m gonna wrap this up. It’s good to be back!

I am so ready

Still waiting to start my new job. My start date got pushed back because they are waiting for my DBS check to come back. Both my references are back now, but it could be at least another week until I can start!!

I’ve been preparing, buying smart/casual office clothes, stationary, gathering ideas of where to get new clients, I even had a hair cut! Really just wanna get started now. Get into my new routine. Get some money coming in – I’m so skint!

I love my new hair, went to an expensive hairdressers in town after a recommendation from my brother’s girlfriend. I was a bit nervous after the last time when I had my old hairdresser, who’s gone mobile, come to my house and mess it up. But no – this new woman is amazing! I have found my new hairdresser! I’ve got an all round undercut, short back and sides, I’m growing the top long enough to tie up in a top knot, I’m quite a way off at the mo.

Good news!

I haven’t posted in a little while, but all is well.. in fact, all is very well! – I had an interview for a job on the same contract as I worked before, just with a different charity (working with people who are homeless or at risk of homelessness), anyway… I GOT THE JOB! I am sooo happy and excited and relieved. I completely aced the interview.

I have a start date (so long as my checks come back in time) for Thursday 24th June. I have loads of ideas and I’m really enthusiastic about starting. The first two weeks will be training, and then I can start building up a client base and meet some people on my caseload. Eeek! Finally, got a job… after six months of being unemployed! Massive weight has been lifted.

Plus! There are perks – if I pass my probationary period of six months, I will be employed by the charity permanently! Real stability! I really can’t mess this up! This is it! New chapter!

Can’t do hangovers…

Not anymore…

So, last Friday morning I weighed myself (first thing), as I do. After a colossal loss of 6 lbs the first week, I had gained 1 lb… despite being ‘good’. You may think ‘not the end of the world’ which is exactly what I kept repeating to myself, but by the evening I was thinking ‘fuck it, I’ll have a night off!’ -so I allowed myself to have a few drinks.

Next day (Saturday) I just slept. The entire day was a write off. Being awake was physically painful. Then Sunday, I slept a lot more. I swear, this was a two day hangover! I hadn’t even drank that much on the Friday night! Moving my eyes felt like rubbing coarse sandpaper on my brain. I had big plans for a productive weekend, plus I wanted to hit the gym. I did literally nothing, for two days straight! What. A. Waste.

I really wasn’t used to feeling so crap. I couldn’t handle it. To think that not long ago (just before I started my new, improved healthy lifestyle) I was drinking daily… no wonder I was always depressed and grumpy. I probably felt like shit and didn’t realise it. I really thought differently about alcohol after that weekend of suffering. I kind of thought I don’t want alcohol in my life… at all, like ever again… possibly a bit drastic. But, that did cross my mind.

I’ve got a few social outings coming up. The next one is this Friday night. I’m meeting up with two old buddies of mine, ex colleagues from a job waaay back. It’s nice that we’re still in touch and catch up now and then. We planed this night out before pubs even re-opened! Booked tables and everything! I’m talking months in advance. Kinda thinking I can’t not drink… I don’t really want to, but it’s sort of expected of me… I’m sure they wouldn’t push drink on me, but they would try and tempt/sway my decision. “Go on, just have a few”… I can imagine them saying. Then ten pints down, I can hardly stand, slurring my words and picking fights with strangers… ugh.

I do have a plan.. I plan to drink beer, slowly, and break it up with pints of diet lemonade. Or I could have shandy I suppose (half beer half lemonade). I’m going to tell my mates I’m doing it for my mental health, and trust me, they know about my mental health, anyway, then they can’t tempt me! I mean, it is for my mental health! And my physical health, lol. I really don’t want to waste another weekend for the sake of a bit of beer.

Got an interview!

A few weeks ago I enquired about current job vacancies at some of the rival service providers of my last job. They deliver the exact same service on the same contract, only to different types of clientele (I was a work coach to people that face barriers to gaining employment in my previous job). My ex ‘big boss’ told me some of the other service providers were hiring, we’re still in occasional contact – he’s a good egg. I think he feels bad for letting me go, and knowing that I still haven’t found work -six months on! I found one company with a vacancy, but… for no reason whatsoever, I put off applying straight away…

Last week I received a text from my old project manager letting me know that she’d seen this rival charity were hiring for someone to do my old job. I thought it was really nice of her, so I played dumb, pretended to know nothing about it, and thanked her. Her messaging kind of gave me a shove in the direction of actually applying for the job, so I filled out the application there and then (which to my surprise was the easiest app in the world!), attached my CV, and sent it off! Done and done. Then -a mere few hours later- I received an email from the company inviting me to interview on June 3rd!

So… now I have to prepare for that. I not only have relevant experience, I have exact experience. Okay… it’s a different clientele, homeless people instead of people with hearing loss, but I’ll do my research into the different barriers homeless people face in getting employment, read up on the charity, all that jazz!

I don’t wanna be too confident, but I am hopeful! Fingers crossed for me!

Nope…

I got a message from the guy I went to school with who was looking for someone to work in the brewery… my interview was supposed to be tomorrow, but the message was cancelling it. They don’t want me… they wanted a professional brewer or an experienced driver – neither of which am I. So the message was very polite saying he doesn’t want to waste my time or lead me on just to turn me down. I have them to thank for that at least, I guess. I had kind of set my heart on a new thing though, so now I have no clue what kind of job to look for. Absolutely no one will take me on. Fuck. My. Life.

Yet another rejection

Not much goes on in my life at the moment, as you can probably tell. It’s still lockdown, I am painfully unemployed and I have very few friends and zero motivation to do interests or hobbies. Getting out of bed would be a start.

I applied to work for the Department for Work and pensions… got through to an interview. I was hopeful following that, even though it was a pre-recorded interview. I have the relevant experience etc. And I thought the interview went okay. But no… that’s not what they thought. I got an email earlier this evening saying I’d been unsuccessful…

I am depressed. No one gives me a chance. I have everything going against me, including my own fucking brain with various multiple complex mental health bullshit. Still, I try and drag myself through life. Behind a everyone else my age who are buying houses and starting families.

I gave Dom a ticket out today. I don’t want to hold him back. He deserves more than a complete loser at life like me. He’s doing a PhD for gods sake. Here’s me, unemployed and off my fucking rocker, needing a monthly injection of antipsychotics and daily antidepressants to just about roll out of bed at about 12pm to stare at walls and do fuck all until bedtime.

I am nothing.

Happy day

Woke up late this morning, I’m usually pestered awake by Dom, as he has a thing about being in bed past 12pm 🙄… I’m a lazy person. I like to sleep. This bothers me. But, recently (since we got the PS4) he plays FIFA on a Saturday morning – giving me a lie in.

I rolled out of bed afternoon time, and was feeling great! Just so happy! I couldn’t place why, but still, it’s all good! It could have had to do with the online test I completed in the tryout for a job with the DWP (Government’s Department for Work and Pensions).

Also, yesterday an ex colleague and friend got in contact about a job they have been made aware of by an ex employer of theirs… senior work coach that would earn a fortune! I have the skill set. She also said she’d put in a good word for me!! I’m so flattered! Totally applying to this ASAP! Never know! So I’m going for that too!

Just feeling a bit more hopeful about the future!

Ray Bans FAIL

I’ve come to realise my new Ray Ban specs don’t fit me properly… granted – they are children’s frames, because my prescription is sooo thick and the less wide the frame is the less thick your lenses look (or so what I was told), they fit the width of my face, but not the length (eye to ear). basically, they just don’t sit right.

So there I was, really wanting to try out glasses instead of my contact lenses, maybe save myself a bit of money on the 24/7 contacts I wear at the mo and have a break now and then for my cool new specs – BUT NO! They were discontinued and in the children’s section, so I got them at a bargain price, but I’m really hoping if I call the opticians on Monday morning they will have the arms lengthened for me…

Then I can look like this!