I’ve let myself go!

This is a good representation of me three years ago, vs me now…

I’m not very happy about it. I weighed myself today. I’m only 5’3” and I weigh 12 stone 1 lbs. that is not healthy! I can’t blame it on lockdown. It’s me. My attitude. I’ve gotten too relaxed with everything. I’m drinking waaaaayyy too much, and that all adds up in terms of calories. I’m even paying for a gym membership that I never use. It’s the prime example of self gratification by being a ‘member’ of a gym and living on good intentions but never going! Madness!!! And I wonder why I’m skint?! It’s because I’m always down the pub and never down the gym! My portions are huge and I eat whatever I want without even considering how unhealthy it might be. Every day is a treat! – not good!

Time for change! So I’ve started a diet club! Just me and my Mom, lol. But we weighed in today, and will do every Friday morning. I’m logging everything on a spreadsheet as motivation.

I’m just sick of being fat! For a fully recovered ex-anorexic turn bulimic I’ve gone to the other extreme! I need to regulate my relationship with food. At the moment I eat fast like I am starving! But I’m clearly not! I don’t have an eating disorder, but I do need to work on myself.

So! Smaller portions, less beer, more exercise. It’s really simple in theory, but practice is a different story. I need to want it enough to do it! I need the motivation! ADHD is really not helping with staying committed to it. I’ll keep the blog posted with my progress once a month or so. Because this is not primarily a weight loss blog. It’s my entire life.

Dom hates it when I mention my weight or anything on the topic of weight loss. He’s not happy with his weight gain either, but I think it’s because he doesn’t know how to respond without offending me or undermining my issue with it. He just tells me to stop talking about it and do something about it. So that’s what me snd my Mom are doing!

Fuck being fat forever! I’m done!

Covid Christmas

As you may have guessed from the title, I had covid this Christmas (I guess it’s ‘last’ Christmas now)… yep, the bloody virus that has plagued the world for the last few years finally caught up with me. And it meant I couldn’t spend Christmas Day with my family, which sucked, big time! Me and Dom were isolating, so he couldn’t go and stop with his family either. We made the best of a bad situation though. Neither of us were too ill on the big day, I’d actually started to test negative, but with Dom being positive we continued to isolate until the day after Boxing Day when we had both been negative for two days running.

My lovely Mom helped us out over the isolation period, did us a grocery shop, she even cooked and delivered us a full blown Christmas dinner on the day!!! I got to wave at her from the gate. It was so sweet of her, it made me happy-sad, (a concept that I’ve come up with to explain my conflicting emotions).

Anywho, Dom and I practically drank our way through the 10 (or more) day illness. I lost my sense of smell and taste at one stage, but thankfully it came back by Christmas Eve. Losing smell and taste is devastating! Especially during the holiday period where we are all indulging in deliciousness!

We had a quiet New Year’s Eve. I spent most of it doing e-learning for work… that’s right, I logged on to complete ruddy e-learning. 31st December was the deadline and I had left a LOT of it to the very last minute. I started at about midday and didn’t finish until about 10:30pm. What a way to start the new year! -trying desperately to finish off all the crap you always put off, and tie up loose ends.

Just before the strike of twelve I called my Mom and then joined Dom in a Zoom call to his mates. We got drunk and slept late on New Year’s Day, as is the done thing (if you don’t have children).

I’m feeling pretty positive about the new year, I will continue to progress, in all areas of life. Slow as I am – I am getting better…

Can’t… concentrate!..

I have just under a week and a half until I break up for Christmas. Soooo much paperwork to get done, it is unbelievable. But can I find my focus?… of course not!! ADHD is owning me at the moment! I can hardly do anything!!! I haven’t even done any Christmas shopping yet! Time is ticking!!

You can probably feel my frustration with all the exclamation marks. So I’ve taken myself to the pub, mainly to have as word with myself on my blog to pull it together, have a pint and buy some gifts online and pray they arrive before the big day.

To be honest, the pub is soothing, the crappy Christmas tunes, a beer in arms reach and the fires going. Makes a change from the house. Christmas is not ruined yet! If only I could work in the pub in the day time lol.

1. Start a fight 2. Regret it later

This weekend (just gone) was the annual Xmas meet up with me and my cousins. We’re all of a similar age and are quite a close knit bunch of friends more than anything. All of our partners were invited so there was quite a few of us, we planned to meet in town and go Curling at a novelty games arena/bar type place. I stressed out trying to get there on time (as I’m renowned for being late and didn’t want to give them the satisfaction of making their remarks as usual), so me and Dom got a taxi. The taxi dropped us a few streets away due to roadworks, so there was a narrow path for us to go down to get to the venue…

We politely made our way around other pedestrians on the same path saying ‘sorry’, ‘excuse me’, ‘we’re running late’, etc. When eventually near our turning we cross a couple (man and woman) with a pram each, walking as slow as humanly possible. So, we farted around the woman and was trying to over take the man when the woman piped up and said ‘watch out love, there’s someone up your arse!’ Which I thought was a bit OTT, but ignored it, he looked around snd I said sorry as we passed him (and the pram). Then he makes some obscene comment like ‘For fuck’s sake!’.. despite me being polite. I looked back over my shoulder to give him eyes, and Dom told him where to go.

THEN! The woman started shouting her mouth off at us. So I stopped walking away. I turned around and shouted back at her. To my absolute fucking surprise- she completely abandoned he own baby in a pram – started walking towards me to square up. At this point she has no fucking idea what she’s got her self into (and in a completely different way, neither do I). Me being me will not submit or cower away. So I storm right up to her face shouting as I do -harnessing the combine disorders of BPD snd ADHD- and square right back up to her. Tensions were high. Before I knew it I was throwing punches and Dom was dragging me off. Oh yeah, I hadn’t mentioned this was in broad daylight at 3:30 in the afternoon. The bloke left his pram also, in order to drag me and this bitch apart – so both their babies were left in pram son the street unattended… very fucking responsible… I continued to shout abuse such as ‘you should never procreate!’.

Dom was so pissed off at me. He hardly spoke to me for the next 24 hours. Even in front of my family he kept his distance from me. I’ve been stable for literally years. I’m bound to have slip ups. I don’t think he realises how hard I find it to control myself.

Please, don’t leave me…

Over the weekend Dom nearly broke up with me… to be honest……… I don’t blame him.

There is so much I’m doing wrong: I don’t pull my weight around chores and house work, I never cook, barely ever wash up – don’t even know how to use the new washing machine, I drink alcohol at every given opportunity (to excess), I act without thinking about the consequences, I’m selfish, I don’t think about other people, I’m inconsiderate, I’m entitled and expect everything to be done for me and I rely entirely on other people to do everything. I am basically a dependant child, I never take responsibility for my actions, or admit to being wrong. I find it near impossible to apologise in a meaningful way, and worst of all I never change! I blame my mental illnesses for the way I act and react or don’t act, but there is more to it. I got lazy. I lost my drive, my will power… my determination. I lost myself. Relationships are a partnership, they take work. I’ve slacked off and jeopardised everything. I nearly lost Dom for fuck’s sake! The love of my life. All because I stopped trying, at life. I stopped putting effort in and became completely self absorbed. He has the patients of a fucking saint to put up with me being this horrible, and for so long! How he’s stayed with me though my shit I really don’t know.

I apologised for real today. I can see it all now. I took a long hard look at myself over the weekend, and I didn’t like what I saw. I feel like I have woken up for the first time in literally years. He’s right, it’s repeated behaviour. Why would he want to continue a life together being my mother, my carer, my fucking slave for God’s sake. It would not be fair.

The weekend was an eye opener. A wake up call. I know this is not who I am. I CAN change, for the better. I know I can. It’s going to take more than therapy, it’s going to have to be driven from within me.

I said “I’m nothing without him” and that’s got to change too. I need to be a someone, I need to have self respect, stand on my own two feet. We can lean on each other for support in times of need, but the poor guy has been carrying me!

Well no more. Today was a new day. A fresh start. I’ve started to make changes already. It helps that I can see clearly now. I think I definitely have an alcohol problem. I would even say… at this point I admit to being a functioning alcoholic. I haven’t touched a drop for two days now. I’m not blaming the alcohol, but it is a catalyst to a downward spiral.

I need to be alert to my behaviour, pay attention to other people, let myself feel instead of numbing out or getting bind drunk. I will change. I’m certain of it. Even if I need to re-read this post everyday for the next five years. I can’t go on mistreating Dom, and the people I love.

I can’t focus!

Maan, I can’t focus at all lately. It seems I did a good job last week to finish my targets at work and whatnot but now I’m completely spent! and my diet has slipped big time! Which is utterly stupid because I’ve just spent £115.00 on a diet/weight loss app… I’ve not told Dom… I’m drinking all the time too, which is a bad sign that there is something I’m not coping with in life. I think it’s falling behind at work if I’m honest with myself. With each day I get further and further behind being ‘on top of things’… it gets me down and feeling guilty as hell, so I deal with that by getting drunk, which makes it hard to wake up, which makes me late, which makes me have to pay for a taxi, which is a waste of money, and I had to get an overdraft this month because I can’t afford to live like this!

I have my mid-probation (3 months in the job) review on Friday. In some areas I’m doing great, and in others I’m atrocious. I have so much e-learning to do. Really you should do that in your first few weeks… I’m three months in… shit. It’s not just that. There’s other stuff. I get so tired, I sleep in and stuff, it’s so unprofessional. My favourite phrase in work when my incompetence starts appearing is “the cracks are starting to show”. To be fair, I’m severely mentally ill, every day is a fucking struggle! How I manage to just about function – I really don’t know.

I need a week out to get my head straight and then a week of just admin to catch up with everything… unfortunately it doesn’t work like that. Wahhh. Woe is me.

Target 🎯 smashed!

This month we were all set a target of 10 new registrations. I got 11… yes, that’s 110% Woop! In line for the prize for most registrations in September I think! Apparently the prize is to do with a team night out! Now, that sounds like my kinda prize! I’ve also written an article for world mental health day. I’ll probably post it on here on the day, because why not!

I got a hair cut today too, hence the new look. I fear I look a bit like a stereotypical lesbian, and a fat one at that! I don’t really mind, I’m just glad to finally get it cut! Was driving me mad!

I’m a bit proud and a bit ashamed… Proud because I got all those registrations, but ashamed because I am behind on logs, and it’s getting worse! I need to get back on top before I’m in over my head! I have my 3 month mid-probationary period review on Friday. I really don’t want to let my boss down. There are just not enough hours in the week when you have ADHD. I need to speak to her about this.

Off sick

I’m off sick guys, I have a chest infection. Went to the doctors today and they’ve prescribed me antibiotics. At least it’s not covid. I actually hate being off work, so I’ve been on my work laptop all day anyway doing admin bits and bobs… not even gonna get paid for it, but at least I haven’t fallen behind or been bored. My manager told me to ‘get off my emails and rest up’ lol, nice that she cares.

Work is going really well. I have my mid-probation supervision on Friday. Apart from not having completed my e-learning yet, I’m smashing it out of the park where supporting clients is concerned. My manager is super impressed. Feels good to have a purpose again. I take pride in the quality of support I provide and that feels pretty good too. You can totally tell the people who don’t give a shit about their job a mile off. I can’t imagine being employed to do a thing and then not doing it to the best of my ability. That’s mad to me. Maybe it’s because I’m a people-pleasing praise seeker desperate for approval and acceptance by anyone and everyone I come into contact with, or maybe I just like to be teachers pet. Whatever it is, it spurs me on to do a good job. I tell you, in this company it does not go unnoticed. Not like the company I worked for before where I was never praised, no matter how hard I worked – just punished for my lack of motivation and ever declining mental health… is it that much of a surprise that I was stressed and depressed??

It does not take a bloody genius to motivate a team. Positive reinforcement is the answer, and if improvements really need to be made then make the criticism constructive! My old manager was a bully on a power trip who delegated tasks so much that she had no work left to do herself! Then, in her boredom would choose people to pick on. She had different favourites and scapegoats each week. Unfair treatment is an understatement.

Now my new manager, she gets it! I feel like I could go to her with anything without feeling judged. She is my rock! Bloody love my new job!

I’m being techno-blanked…

When I’m not at work I’m bored. I need something to interest me but nothing does. Dom suggests a hobby – but they’re all just fads. I dunno if it’s ADHD related or what, but I’m lonely!

I find that I stray to the pub after work just to scroll through the contacts in my phone for someone to talk to, but none of them are contactable… mainly because I’m either waiting for them to reply to the last message I sent (I obvs can’t text consecutive messages, because That would just look needy and desperate), or they just haven’t even bothered to read or reply to my last message in the first place!!

The two ticks on WhatsApp are a dead giveaway…

God, it’s lame posting this. Where are real life people? Where are my friends???

BPD + Me = Forever Alone?

When lockdown first happened I reached out to loads of people who I’d not spoken to in years. I felt more forced into isolation than ever before, and I’m quite a social person naturally, I just can’t keep hold of friends for some reason..? All of a sudden I was connected again! I felt revitalised, like I suddenly had more friends than I thought! They were all just a bit dusty on a shelf hidden away in the back of my brain somewhere. We had conversations over the phone, WhatsApp groups, and meet ups over Zoom (which seemed to be the new Skype). Lockdown was a bit of an excuse to do these things. Distance wasn’t a problem OR an excuse for anyone anymore because you could be bloody neighbours and still not be allowed to see each other face to face in real life. It was a weird time, filled with boredom, loneliness and fear, but also, hope, gratitude and strong emotional bonds.

Fast forward to lockdown lifting; The incredibly, idiotically named “Freedom Day”, where everyone was… (is..?) still scared about COVID killing people, but it’s not enough to keep us apart anymore… all so it may seem.

Personally, I feel lonely again. I’m seeing wAy more people face to face now, at my new job etc. than I have done for a very long time, but I’ve gone out of my way to make sure I continue to text and ‘check in’ on those people who I reconnected with at the start of lockdown. However, I’m not getting much in return… the conversations run dry, I get short answers, or no answers at all! I know people have their busy lives back, but so do I..? – I’m still making the effort… Friendship is supposed to be a two way thing. Where are the people texting and ‘checking in’ on me? Where are my texts out of the blue?

I swear, I scroll through my phone book these days and there are so few I would actually call a friend I can’t tell if it’s sad or scary.. maybe both…

I had a conversation about this with Dom not long ago. He notices when I get down and always asks about what is making me sad. when the answer is that I’m lonely and I don’t have any friends, it can get a bit awkward. Dom likes to be a problem solver and resolve my sadness with advice, but for this it’s tough… you can’t just magic up friends. You have to build on relationships with chosen people over a long time… not only is there the ‘growth period’ that is a blocker to having instant friends, but there is the question of where the hell do you find them, if you’re not at school, college or Uni..? those were my chances to build relationships that would last me through my boring adult/‘more mature’ years. But no, BPD prevented me from ever having healthy relationships with anyone. Thanks BPD… Then, there were the ones (mainly from Uni) that I did want to keep as forever friends… but I didn’t maintain it he relationships properly when I moved back to Birmingham… “Out of sight, out of mind”, thanks ADHD… so I feel like those relationships are now beyond repair, and I’ll never have that tight bond we once had ever again… Fuck.

I’ve even neglected my relationship with my brother… who for most of my life has been my best friend in the whole world. We have a closeness due to our family situation that not many people would be able to comprehend. Our family are the functioning fucked up, but however negative that sounds… there is SO much love for each other. Me, my Mom, my brother and my Dad.

Now of course I have Dom, the love of my life. I know this because he balances me out whist at the same time sticks by me and supports me through thick and thin. He has the patients of a saint, not many people would or could put up with my multitude of flaws (be that due to the personality disorder or various other factors). Dom saw something in me that was worth more than anything I could see in myself, he has spent the last four years trying to show me and to convince me to believe in myself, which I must admit is sinking in. He saw a future, he saw potential, he saw the ‘me’ beneath my collection of diagnoses and layers of medication. However dreamy snd romantic sounding this is it’s not been easy – Don made very clear from the start of our relationship that he wouldn’t be my carer, that I have to be able to take care of myself and prove that I can be independent… Which, I worked at, and eventually did. I feel like I’m still proving it, every day, but not to him, to myself. Now I want to succeed, I want to be stable and happy and one day raise a family with Dom. He gave me something to fight for. He was and always will be the light at the end of a very dark tunnel.

I love you Dominic Russ.

Talking about the future like this has made me realise, there are a small handful of people who I still want to be around with me on this journey. People I feel are drifting away. My brother being the main one. I have a few relationships that I need to focus on fixing, then I can think about new friends (if I need them). I’m nearly 33, where do you get new friends at this age anyway?

Those people I love, you know who you are (yet I very much doubt you know of the existence of this blog). I’m coming for you, I’ve not given up.

Take it with a pinch of ADHD

So, my boyfriend thinks he might have ADHD… part of me thinks.. is this just because I was diagnosed and he sees that meds I have now, help me concentrate on my job, so he wants the same to help him concentrate on his PhD..?

His PhD might I add, which he seems to be doing pretty okay with for someone with potential ADHD, it’s no easy subject – it is Bioinformatics… I would seriously dream of having his memory capacity/ability, and dedication/drive to do and finish tasks. He listens to history podcasts as a hobby any time he has to shower or wash up or do something menial, therefore he knows infinite details about the Roman Empire and it’s geography etc. (including dates and names of people and places).

Tomorrow (after a very long waiting list) he will be having the same appointment I had when I was diagnosed (as an adult) about two years ago. I took to this appointment school reports and my mom (in person) as someone who has known ‘the patient’ most of or all of their life. Dom can’t do this, so they will just be going by his word alone… Now… Dom, can be a bit of a hypochondriac when it comes to medical things. He is similar to my Dad in that way. I do not doubt he will say all the right words to get a diagnosis of ADHD (especially knowing me).

I personally do not believe for a second that he actually has ADHD… if they deem that he has, I will lose all faith in the system. However harsh that may seem.

Cinema at the IMAX

Yesterday afternoon, in my luxury state of being unemployed, my mom (who works part time – reducing her hours to retirement) and my brother (who… well, also doesn’t have a job -but hasn’t done for a LOT longer than me) went to the cinema together. Cinema is pretty much my brother’s life, he has a masters degree in it. He was telling us just how much the film industry has felt the hit from Covid. People apparently now prefer watching films in the comfort of their own homes, but we all agreed -you just can’t beat the big screen! I love going to the cinema. It was a treat when we were kids. I think it helped me follow plot lines as it’s almost impossible to get distracted from a massive lit up screen right in front of you as you sit in the dark with loud surround sound. We saw Godzilla Vs King Kong! It was great! Action packed!

I got myself a diet drink and some salty popcorn, sat back and watched the Titans fight for the 1 hour 20 duration of the film. I let myself be completely immersed in the action, it was well worth seeing in the IMAX screen!

I won’t be able to do things like this when I have a job… well, I WILL, but not at 4pm on a weekday when things are quiet. I’ll have to cram all my leisure activities, socialising and exercising into the weekend… I’ve forgotten, how do people do that again?! I’ve been unemployed for six long months. Don’t get me wrong, I really want this job that I’m interviewing for next Thursday. But it will be weird.

Message me!

Hi guys! I just wanted to take a second to let you know, I’ve finally fixed my ‘Messages’ page! So you can now submit private messages to me, they won’t be public, they will show up direct to my email inbox, just click on the messages button in the menu. NOTE: leave your email address if you would like a reply from me (otherwise I won’t know where to send it). I’m happy to answer any questions you might have or hear your thoughts and opinions.

Don’t be shy!

Beat the alarm!

I’m still feeling pretty positive, I put myself to bed at 11:30 last night, set my alarms for 7am and awoke naturally at 6:30! I’m trying not to eat after 8pm at the latest, trying to be in bed before 12, and wake up at 7. Really need routine in my life. I’m also not going to drink caffeine after 3pm.

It might sound like a lot of ‘rules’ to live by, but I really think they are healthy.

Plans for today: call an employment service that my CMHT have put me in contact with (as they know how desperate I am to get back to work). The service is specifically designed to support people who have mental health issues to find and maintain suitable employment. So that’s positive! Then I have got to travel across town to the clinic to get my monthly depot injection. I’ll visit my Mom while I’m in her area and we’ll have lunch. Then the ADHD clinic will call about my new medication decision.

I was hoping to fit in a visit to the gym somewhere, but we’ll see…

ADHD and me too

As well as being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, I’ve fairly recently been diagnosed with Adult ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder).

It wasn’t that big of a thing when I was a kid, so it got missed. It is viewed as a child’s disorder, but some people don’t just grow out of it. And it’s more than just being hyperactive, it involves cognitive problems, such as bad memory, terrible concentration/focus, and impulsivity. Goes hand in hand with BPD as you can imagine.

You may remember I contacted the ADHD team a couple of weeks ago with a fear that I’d been forgotten about. Well, they emailed straight back apologising for their lack of support as they hadn’t been informed by my CMHT that I’d had my second ECG (of which the results were more normal following a decrease in my monthly depot injection of Flupentixol and stopping of Elvanse), so they made me an appointment for general obs and a discussion about treatment.

The positive effect that Lisdexamphetamine (brand name Elvanse) had on me seemed to ware off after a few months, so they’ve given me a few other medication options to consider. Methylphenidate (brand name Ritalin, amongst others) is the other 1st choice treatment according to the NICE guidelines, alongside Elvanse. Both are classed as stimulant medications. There is a third option of Atomoxetine, which is not a stimulant and works in a different way. After doing a bit of research I think I’m going to opt for Ritalin – see how I get on with that.

I have a phone appointment tomorrow with someone from the team to let them know what I’ve decided, they can then send a new prescription to the pharmacy. I

I’ve been consciously making healthier choices lately and I feel like it’s paying off, my mood seems to have been quite stable in positive for nearly a week now! Having more focus and ability to concentrate would be the cherry on the cake. Fingers crossed it works for me!

ADHD, where are we?

I emailed the Adult 25+ ADHD psych team that I’m under earlier today, because I think they’ve forgotten about me…

Depending on how long you’ve been following, you might know that ages ago I was on 50mg Elvanse daily to treat my ADHD, that was until I had an ECG to check my heart and it gave abnormal results which was caused by the meds. So I had to stop taking them with immediate effect (cold turkey), and I have not heard from the ADHD team since. I had a repeat ECG and my heart had returned to normal, but still heard nothing from them…

Now I’m unemployed and my tolerance to do things has decreased down to almost nothing and my motivation to start tasks is zero. Life is a struggle and my ability to function like a person is withering away. I feel like I am more like a pet than a girlfriend to my boyfriend whom I live with.

I want to know if there are alternatives treatments/support out there for me. Sometimes you need to speak up to get what you want in this life. Use your voice to be noticed or heard.