Please, don’t leave me…

Over the weekend Dom nearly broke up with me… to be honest……… I don’t blame him.

There is so much I’m doing wrong: I don’t pull my weight around chores and house work, I never cook, barely ever wash up – don’t even know how to use the new washing machine, I drink alcohol at every given opportunity (to excess), I act without thinking about the consequences, I’m selfish, I don’t think about other people, I’m inconsiderate, I’m entitled and expect everything to be done for me and I rely entirely on other people to do everything. I am basically a dependant child, I never take responsibility for my actions, or admit to being wrong. I find it near impossible to apologise in a meaningful way, and worst of all I never change! I blame my mental illnesses for the way I act and react or don’t act, but there is more to it. I got lazy. I lost my drive, my will power… my determination. I lost myself. Relationships are a partnership, they take work. I’ve slacked off and jeopardised everything. I nearly lost Dom for fuck’s sake! The love of my life. All because I stopped trying, at life. I stopped putting effort in and became completely self absorbed. He has the patients of a fucking saint to put up with me being this horrible, and for so long! How he’s stayed with me though my shit I really don’t know.

I apologised for real today. I can see it all now. I took a long hard look at myself over the weekend, and I didn’t like what I saw. I feel like I have woken up for the first time in literally years. He’s right, it’s repeated behaviour. Why would he want to continue a life together being my mother, my carer, my fucking slave for God’s sake. It would not be fair.

The weekend was an eye opener. A wake up call. I know this is not who I am. I CAN change, for the better. I know I can. It’s going to take more than therapy, it’s going to have to be driven from within me.

I said “I’m nothing without him” and that’s got to change too. I need to be a someone, I need to have self respect, stand on my own two feet. We can lean on each other for support in times of need, but the poor guy has been carrying me!

Well no more. Today was a new day. A fresh start. I’ve started to make changes already. It helps that I can see clearly now. I think I definitely have an alcohol problem. I would even say… at this point I admit to being a functioning alcoholic. I haven’t touched a drop for two days now. I’m not blaming the alcohol, but it is a catalyst to a downward spiral.

I need to be alert to my behaviour, pay attention to other people, let myself feel instead of numbing out or getting bind drunk. I will change. I’m certain of it. Even if I need to re-read this post everyday for the next five years. I can’t go on mistreating Dom, and the people I love.

Cinema at the IMAX

Yesterday afternoon, in my luxury state of being unemployed, my mom (who works part time – reducing her hours to retirement) and my brother (who… well, also doesn’t have a job -but hasn’t done for a LOT longer than me) went to the cinema together. Cinema is pretty much my brother’s life, he has a masters degree in it. He was telling us just how much the film industry has felt the hit from Covid. People apparently now prefer watching films in the comfort of their own homes, but we all agreed -you just can’t beat the big screen! I love going to the cinema. It was a treat when we were kids. I think it helped me follow plot lines as it’s almost impossible to get distracted from a massive lit up screen right in front of you as you sit in the dark with loud surround sound. We saw Godzilla Vs King Kong! It was great! Action packed!

I got myself a diet drink and some salty popcorn, sat back and watched the Titans fight for the 1 hour 20 duration of the film. I let myself be completely immersed in the action, it was well worth seeing in the IMAX screen!

I won’t be able to do things like this when I have a job… well, I WILL, but not at 4pm on a weekday when things are quiet. I’ll have to cram all my leisure activities, socialising and exercising into the weekend… I’ve forgotten, how do people do that again?! I’ve been unemployed for six long months. Don’t get me wrong, I really want this job that I’m interviewing for next Thursday. But it will be weird.