The hangover from hell

On Friday night me and Dom stayed in (of course), but we arranged to meet up with his friends from Brighton online over video chat and play some games. We ended up using House party for the video and Jackbox TV for the games. It was pretty good, I mean, nothing like actually socialising, but I’m sure I’ll get used to this new life in the house where we see people through a screen. It was quite refreshing to see them (like I said in my last post – these are people who I class as firends although they are technically Dom’s). We managed to drink our way through four bottles of wine… between the two of us! I can’t remember falling asleep but I woke up the next day extrememly dehydrated on the sofa. Dom cooked us a breakfast to fix us up, but my hangover was slightly more severe than his and I puked after a few mouthfuls. That was one of three times that day I was sick. My head was in so much pain. That was really the first night I’ve been drunk this year. We did dry January which turned into a dry Feb too, because we enjoyed the health benifits so much. A few little drinks here and there in march, then … Friday night happened – and I never want to drink again. I rememberd why I liked not drinking so much.

I had weird nightmarish dreams in my drunken state of not being in control of my body and mind, I guess that is exactly what being drunk is, so I shoudn’t be so suprised that my subcontious clocked on to it as well. I hate the gaps in my memory of what I spoke about with people. The fact that it was all through the intenet seems to make it worse somehow. Like it would be more excusable and believable if I was stumbling about in person slurring my words etc. and then could apologige through text the next day and we’d all laugh and forget about it. I have this sense on shame… ugh.

Anyway. It is now Monday morning and I slept lightly last night. I’ve been awake for an hour, I’ve already had coffee and it’s only just turned eight. I need to be productive today ‘at work’ (from home), I did not get a lot done last week at all.

I don’t make friends – I make aquaintances

I’m using this weird time to do some soul searching I guess… The CV-19 outbreak is simultaneously bringing out the best and worst in people. Now that Britain is in lockdown (day 4 for me working from home) it has made me apreciate the connections I make with people on a day to day basis. We spend a lot of time with our colleagues at work, prehaps more waking hourse than we do with our families and friends.

Yesterday I came to a realisation – I don’t have any friends… This is not a new realisation, more of a re-realisation. I tend to get by in life just fine without friends. I don’t have enimies either, and I am not alone. I have people in my life, but it would be a push to refer to them as friends. I have my Boyfriend, my parents, my brother, cousins, colleagues, auinties and uncles. I have had friends in the past (at university) but I am very rarely in contact with them, Can’t actually remember the last time I saw any of them… It’s sad. I loved them. I still like to think of them as my friends, but do they still think of me as a friend?.. To tell the truth I probably wouldn’t be in the top 10 if they were to list their friends. Probably not even the top 20.

Dom’s friend from school who he grew up with died recently, early thirties, really sad circumstances. It is his funeral today, but of course we can’t go because of the lockdown. Dom is so lucky, he has lots of really good people as friends. Lots of different groups; his school friends, uni friends and Brighton crowd, the guys he works with at the lab, I’m sure there are even more. He doesn’t have an easy time maintaining these friendships as he has to battle with the pressure and anxiety that comes with communication with people, but he’s manages it at least. I’ve met most of them and they are all really lovely people who seem to care deeply about Dom and each other. I know they would be there for him if anything bad happened and I wasn’t around. On finding out the sad news Dom had to do the duty of informing a few of this other friends of Chris’s death. It was heartbreaking seeing him grieving and mourning his loss. I turned inward at some point and quite selfishly thought about myself. I thought, how would my old friends find out if I died? Who would come to my funeral? It’d be just family… how sad is that.

My colleagues mean a lot to me, I kind of use them as friend replacements. I get on well with almost everyone in the office, I’m nice, and friendly, I make people laugh, I trust and talk openly, but when it comes down to the next step in building a meaningful relationship I just can’t do it. I don’t know how to. I think I am lacking as a person… There is something wrong with me. I mask everything in the company of other people. I become who I think they want me to be. I feel like a chamelian, blending in to the people around me for survival. I mirror other people and laugh on cue (when they laugh). People seem to genuinely like me, but I never get invited to things. I never get picked. I’m like the tag along person, there to bump up the numbers.

I think I’m going to continue this later..

Bored-alone borderline

I think I’m depressed. I do the bare minimum to get by in life. If it wasn’t for Dom I would sleep 24/7. I don’t enjoy doing anything. Work is just a distraction from my paralysing loneliness that I’m forced to go to Monday to Friday. I don’t express any emotions or opinions because I don’t feel or think. I must be so boring and frustrating to be around. All my hobby’s have stopped, my interest in anything has dried up. I always want to be in bed, you’re not alone when you’re not awake. Nothing is expected of you when you’re not conscious. I’m wasting my time and essentially my life, but doing anything is so much effort because I completely lack desire or will.

Ask me how I was 6 weeks ago and you would have got a somewhat different report.. I was exhausting myself with overworking. I felt for a few weeks that I could do anything and everything, I took on the world and too many responsibilities. It was only after being subject to that kind of pressure for 2-3 weeks straight (without weekend breaks) that I fell apart. I went from being superwoman at work to absent/late/unreliable.

I have a disciplinary at work next week because my most recent breakdown was badly timed. It fell in the last couple of weeks of a 7 week probationary period that I was granted to prove that I could cope consistently since my last breakdown (when I was referred to occupational health, who suggested I drop some hours – which I did not want to do). They can ask me to step down from one of my roles, but apparently they cannot force it.

My mental health is a problem.

Therapy jealousy

Every Thursday afternoon Dom has counselling in town with some woman named Suzette. I am honest and open regarding my degrees of jealousy around it – 1. He goes and openly expresses his feelings to some random woman every week and he can’t do that with me… and – 2. He gets the chance to regularly offload on someone like that, and I don’t?!

The specialist service I was under (SPS) have denied me support twice, after being either ‘too mental’, or ‘not mental enough’… It feels so unfair, because I so clearly need something like that. I am not in control of my emotions at all, they rule and fuck up every aspect of my life.

I bought bloody self help books with some of my Christmas money, because no one will help me. They all turn around and tell me that “it doesn’t work like that – I can’t tell you what to do to fix yourself – that has to come from you”… well what are you being fucking paid for then! When I change my thought process and try a new approach they accuse me of saying things to please them. I can’t win.

This is fresh right now because it’s Thursday and Dom’s not long got home from his counselling session. He’s going on about having ADHD again (which he only thought he might have after I got diagnosed). I’m just wound up. Rather than be aggressive and defensive thought I’d write this post.

Blue Monday Elvanse 50mg

This morning I started the new dose of Elvanse 50mg daily (up from 30mg). I was expecting more of a reaction to be honest, but I just felt… normal.

30mg previous dose

Maybe today wasn’t the best day to judge it -I’ve been really, quite depressed over the weekend and spent a lot of time in bed. So today when I had to snap back into work mode I felt distanced from the world, like everything was not quite real.

I am probably still withdrawing from Aripiprazole. Last Monday the psych told me to stop taking it (it’s a mood stabiliser and antipsychotic medication), I was on 10mg daily. I wasn’t told to reduce it slowly, so I just stopped it. That messed me up a bit, ended up crying at work in my Occupational Health review meeting last Tuesday. Then this weekend happened. I just felt so cold and tired, with no desire whatsoever to do anything. Last night I cried A LOT, over a lot of things, one thing being the inevitable death of my loved ones. I felt so alone.

Anyway. Not much to report about today. I guess I’ve got more done. I’ve been kinda irritable though. I just want to do things my way. But that’s not how it works in an adult world.

The New Psych has Changed my Meds

My monthly Flupentixol depot injection 40mg

This morning (Monday 13th January) I had an appointment with the psychiatrist. My last apt. was in September 2019. This doctor, I will refer to her as Dr K, is new to me -today was our first meeting, she seems nice; on the ball/organised -which is what you want in a psychiatrist.

I was due to have my monthly depot injection (a slow release antipsychotic drug injected into the muscle just above your bum cheek) tomorrow, but seeing as I was at the clinic anyway I asked if someone could administer my Flupentixol a day early, which a busy nurse kindly did for me. Then it was in to see Dr K.

My Mom sat patiently in the waiting room, she doesn’t usually come to appointments with me, but unfortunately Mom had to experience one of my ‘meltdowns’ first hand on Boxing Day… plus, with Mom being there it gave me the option to invite her into the room to give her eye witness account of the Christmas breakdown (should I not be listened to or taken seriously). Thankfully Dr K seemed competent and good at her job, so there was no need to bring my Mom in.

I got straight to the point and spoke openly and honestly about how I have been over the past 4 months (at least that which I could remember). When you’ve seen as many psychiatrists and therapists as I have, for as long as I have (15 years), you accidentally become accustomed to spilling your deepest and darkest secrets at the drop of a hat. The filter disappears, so you have to be very careful that you don’t trust the wrong people with the wrong information… anyway, we spoke mainly about my violent angry outbursts/mood swings – apparently this has to do with my ADHD.

My medication was adjusted, I’m to continue with my monthly depot injection, but stop taking my daily 10mg of Aripiprazole (another antipsychotic drug). My ADHD medication, Elvanse, will be increased from 30mg to 50mg, first thing in the morning, and I’m to take my 60mg Fluoxetine (Prozac an antidepressant medication) at the same time -I’ve always taken it at night before bed. My sleep, moods, and concentration/focus should all improve…

We’ll have to wait and see what happens!

Snowflake / Tornado

Went to London to see Stewart Lee on Saturday with Dom and his two friends Ayd and Joe. I was feeling a little odd about going to see comedy whilst sober (as We’re doing dry January), I suppose I was feeling a bit apprehensive and self conscious, but I found that it actually helped my focus… and let’s face it, you need a certain degree of focus to appreciate the structure of the Stewart Lee’s comedy and not miss any of his call back material.

Stewart Lee live, Leicester Square Theatre 11th January 2020, 8:45pm
My seat (M6) – pretty good view of the stage!

Stewart made his entrance and kicked off with some jokes about his appearance and health, and to be honest… yeah, he really has changed/‘let himself go’ (his words) a lot, but it worked as a great icebreaker.

Tornado was the title of the first half. It took me a minute to get over the irrational embarrassment I feel whenever I watch live performances (of any kind)… everyone gets that though, right? Anyway, once the audience had warmed up Stewart Lee had us like putty in his hands. I found it very interesting to observe (this being the first live standup I’ve seen since –enrolling on, attending half of, then dropping out of– a stand up comedy course towards the end of last year at the MAC). Having part ‘studied’ the art of making people laugh I could, on the odd occasion that my mind zoomed out, almost see the intricacies of his craft, it was all very clever (as you would expect) keeping us interested with waves of contrasting tone and a nice awakening before the interval (I won’t spoil it for you).

Snowflake, the second half, I found particularly hilarious -especially the ripping on other comedians and when the topic turned to ‘political correctness gone mad’ -I laughed so hard I cried! I can’t remember the last time I laughed like that, it felt good. There were some bits that made me cringe, of course, like taking the piss out of Ricky Gervais for ‘saying the unsayable’ (which is obviously impossible), the impression him of him doing an actual attempt at saying that which is unsayable was funny… but in a way that made my toes curl at points.

It was a great night – my first time seeing Stewart Lee live. I have come away inspired me to be more inventive and imaginative with my rants about life. Thanks.

Hello

I’m Sophie. I’m 30. This is my new blog.

This evening I created a new gmail and new accounts for all the social media sites I use. I’ve also changed all my privacy settings from public to private -so clients can’t look me up. This is a fresh start. 2020.