I don’t make friends – I make aquaintances

I’m using this weird time to do some soul searching I guess… The CV-19 outbreak is simultaneously bringing out the best and worst in people. Now that Britain is in lockdown (day 4 for me working from home) it has made me apreciate the connections I make with people on a day to day basis. We spend a lot of time with our colleagues at work, prehaps more waking hourse than we do with our families and friends.

Yesterday I came to a realisation – I don’t have any friends… This is not a new realisation, more of a re-realisation. I tend to get by in life just fine without friends. I don’t have enimies either, and I am not alone. I have people in my life, but it would be a push to refer to them as friends. I have my Boyfriend, my parents, my brother, cousins, colleagues, auinties and uncles. I have had friends in the past (at university) but I am very rarely in contact with them, Can’t actually remember the last time I saw any of them… It’s sad. I loved them. I still like to think of them as my friends, but do they still think of me as a friend?.. To tell the truth I probably wouldn’t be in the top 10 if they were to list their friends. Probably not even the top 20.

Dom’s friend from school who he grew up with died recently, early thirties, really sad circumstances. It is his funeral today, but of course we can’t go because of the lockdown. Dom is so lucky, he has lots of really good people as friends. Lots of different groups; his school friends, uni friends and Brighton crowd, the guys he works with at the lab, I’m sure there are even more. He doesn’t have an easy time maintaining these friendships as he has to battle with the pressure and anxiety that comes with communication with people, but he’s manages it at least. I’ve met most of them and they are all really lovely people who seem to care deeply about Dom and each other. I know they would be there for him if anything bad happened and I wasn’t around. On finding out the sad news Dom had to do the duty of informing a few of this other friends of Chris’s death. It was heartbreaking seeing him grieving and mourning his loss. I turned inward at some point and quite selfishly thought about myself. I thought, how would my old friends find out if I died? Who would come to my funeral? It’d be just family… how sad is that.

My colleagues mean a lot to me, I kind of use them as friend replacements. I get on well with almost everyone in the office, I’m nice, and friendly, I make people laugh, I trust and talk openly, but when it comes down to the next step in building a meaningful relationship I just can’t do it. I don’t know how to. I think I am lacking as a person… There is something wrong with me. I mask everything in the company of other people. I become who I think they want me to be. I feel like a chamelian, blending in to the people around me for survival. I mirror other people and laugh on cue (when they laugh). People seem to genuinely like me, but I never get invited to things. I never get picked. I’m like the tag along person, there to bump up the numbers.

I think I’m going to continue this later..

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