Bored-alone borderline

I think I’m depressed. I do the bare minimum to get by in life. If it wasn’t for Dom I would sleep 24/7. I don’t enjoy doing anything. Work is just a distraction from my paralysing loneliness that I’m forced to go to Monday to Friday. I don’t express any emotions or opinions because I don’t feel or think. I must be so boring and frustrating to be around. All my hobby’s have stopped, my interest in anything has dried up. I always want to be in bed, you’re not alone when you’re not awake. Nothing is expected of you when you’re not conscious. I’m wasting my time and essentially my life, but doing anything is so much effort because I completely lack desire or will.

Ask me how I was 6 weeks ago and you would have got a somewhat different report.. I was exhausting myself with overworking. I felt for a few weeks that I could do anything and everything, I took on the world and too many responsibilities. It was only after being subject to that kind of pressure for 2-3 weeks straight (without weekend breaks) that I fell apart. I went from being superwoman at work to absent/late/unreliable.

I have a disciplinary at work next week because my most recent breakdown was badly timed. It fell in the last couple of weeks of a 7 week probationary period that I was granted to prove that I could cope consistently since my last breakdown (when I was referred to occupational health, who suggested I drop some hours – which I did not want to do). They can ask me to step down from one of my roles, but apparently they cannot force it.

My mental health is a problem.

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